I just woke up on my mate Brucie's couch but in the wake of recent news despite my raging hangover I feel lucky to be alive. His local newsagent doesn't sell Newspapers but sells bacon so I've had a nice sandwich but this doesn't help you any. I won't let this stop me, today's news will have to be based on the stories on Google news rather than the Sun so unfortunately today will largely be based on fact for a change!
Fans and critics of Amy Winehouse are saying if it wasn't for Heroin Amy could have been more like Adele; .....Fat!?
Outrage in China as the government try to cover up a high speed rail crash; "there's nothing to see here...the train is just delayed there's leaves on the track......oh all that carnage and rubble over there?? someone has been fly tipping that's all... move along!!"
Iran accuses the US of assassinating a scientist; The US are struggling to explain to them that Spiderman 2 is a fictional movie and Doc Octopus isn't even a real scientist he's just an actor pretending.
Spaniards protest in the streets over unemployment; Unfortunately adults that need an afternoon nap are hard to employ!
Somalian Pirates Hijacked a Diesel tanker; Now they all wear skinny jeans.
Comedian and News for Dummies substitute teacher Daniel Sloss has just been dumped (for his looks I think); He is currently on suicide watch.
I've never been dumped!
The fact our immediate suspicions were wrong and the terror attack in Norway wasn't by an Islamic fundamentalist but a White Blond man could be a sign that killing Osama bin Laden has ended threat from Al Qaeda; We now have a new evil and need to kill the leader of white blond men, Rhydian is shitting himself!!
Prison Chef Wendy Snowdon has been sacked for having sex with an inmate; apparently she always had a soft spot for men inside. She was teaching him how to cook and when making toad in the hole she showed him how to put his sausage in her Yorkshire pudding!