Wednesday, 13 July 2011

News for Dummies 13/7

Gordon Brown has jumped on the band wagon accusing newspapers of probing his medical records; It could just be that you don't need a masters in medicine to work out that he is paralyzed from the neck up!

The true UK debt is said to be £2Trillion; which irresponsible cunt goes that far into their overdraft. Excuse me while I substitute short snappy 1 liners for a rant:

There are 51-million people in this country/team/clan, that means each of us have £39'215.69 debt in our name, now If I had that much debt personally I'd have a new Nissan Skyline GTR, Macbook pro, a holiday in Hawaii and an Armarni suit, before I'd live with myself paying that shit back.... but we're paying it back anyway in the way of fucked up tax hikes and what do we have to show for it; a clapped out Vauxhall Nova, a type-writer, a weekend at Skegness and a Asics track suit. Well bend me over and fuck me up the arse!!!

Greece are also in the shit; so much so they've shown their anger by tearing up paper plates.  

Plans to abolish cheques by 2018 have been abolished; <joke about checks being abolished upsetting kilt wearers> <joke about plans bouncing and taking further 5 working years to clear> ...I'm getting lazy!!
I forged a cheque once, but what am I going to do with a cast iron cheque.... <yawn>

There is loads of stuff about people being "hacked" in the news; is it just in North-East where we refer to a hack as a foul in football?? We used to go to the field and play "hackers union" and "hacky international" rules where fouls were permitted. So when I read these stories I picture the celebrity/politician involved receiving a crunching high tackle... it's a good image!

And while I'm confusing you with geordie terms... you've never heard of peas pudding you fucking freaks... what else do you have on your ham stottie???

A man proposed to his new fiance by writing "Will you mary me" on Bournmouth's football pitch and flying her over it; Best start the season with a result, even though it will probably end up with her going down.

A trainer used Viagra to make him run faster; the dog was chasing the Hare for all the wrong reasons. The trainer said it was a necessary evil because the dog ran awful in the soft.

Al-Qaeda target social network sites in new cyber war; Oh no are they going to hijack my password and fly it into my wall?? Rape my status and poke me in the inbox?? Throw sheep at my farmville??....this is the dawn of a new era, the war on Spam!!
From beyond the grave and behind his computer desk!!

And a bonus joke from my brothers girlfriend Chelsea: 
A man was left blind in one eye when gannet swooped down and took his eye-ball; at least it wasn't his wife pecking his head for once....

Come see me in Edinburgh fringe festival (heads up: first few shows are loads cheaper if you buy in advance!!)

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