News for Dummies 19/7

A 4th hospital patient nearly died at because of spiked saline solution; Police say when they find the nurse responsible they will get it in the neck, that'll give them a taste of their own medicine

In other news Poisonous Drip Rupert Murdoch is to be interviewed for the phone hacking scandal; he'll probably get the job he has years of experience.

Two female officers are tipped to become next Met Commisioner, Sara Thornton (forget about her) and Crissida DICK (hahahahahahahah) I hope to God she get's it. The police fuck us over all the time, far better the chief be called Dick!! She led the operation that resulted in the shooting of Charles de Menezes on the London Tube in 2005 but I don't think he's the only man to be shot in the face by Dick on the London underground!!!

Nelson Mandela turned 93 Yesterday, to celebrate his life here are a few photo's of him over the years:

Nelson Mandela aged 87

Nelson Mandela aged 61

Nelson Mandela aged 35

Nelson Mandela aged 25

Nelson Mandela aged 19

In 1999 Gordon Brown sold 400 tons of the UK's gold for £295 per ounce... It is now worth £1000 per ounce; I was only 16 when my country fucked me up the arse, how old were you?? I know how he must feel though, I threw out all my old He-Man and Star-Wars figures around the same year!!

Green peace activists broke into the HQ of an oil company dressed as Polar Bears; I want to know what they did once they got in there, what were their key objectives?? Did they do a polar bear dance?? Then did the oil tycoons go "oh I see your point" and invest heavily in renewable energy..

Fucking Bellends!!

Actually Polar Bears are total cunts, I dare the green peace protesters to approach one of their beloved cuddly animals, I don't think they'd share eachothers values on "Peace!"

Thieves in Austria nicked a Lorry carrying 21 tons of Mustard and Ketchup; The man who is currently delivering Hot Dogs must be shitting himself!!!

The NHS pay £32 per loaf for Glutton free bread; If I ever end up in hospital my sandwiches better have golden crusts!! Infact I remember in 1999 Gordon Brown sold 400 tons of our glutton free bread for 75p a loaf

Enjoy the rest of your day, ask out the pretty girl you fancy at the office, ask your boss for a raise, apply for the job you always wanted.... then cry yourself to sleep when you get none of those things and I'll see you tomorrow with Wednesdays news!!