Thursday, 28 July 2011

News for Dummies 28/7

O.K. Listen to me Anders Breivik, you contacted the ENLGISH Defence League and the BRITISH National Party for support!? Just because you are a prick like them it doesn't mean they like you for you are NORWEGIAN and the very thing they hate, foreign!. Of course they encouraged you, you bell end, you were going to kill a bunch of other foreigners, you got used like a bitch by a pack of horrible cunts! And no-one will ever remember your name because it is too hard to pronounce... Un-Fucking-Lucky Anderson Britvic or whatever your pissy name is!!!

The Mayor of a city in Afghanistan was assassinated by a suicide bomber with explosives in his turban. Of all the ways to go, a man exploding his own head in your proximity must be the worst. Let's nickname the killer "The Turbanator"

"I need your Robes your Flip-flops and your bicycle with the basked full of chickens on the front"

A crown court judge has been trialed after being caught drunk in court; he was discovered because instead of having a wig on he was wearing a traffic cone.

Katie Price has painted her £1m Bugatti pink, it makes sense because photo-shop wizards have been painting Jordan to make her look pretty for years but we all look at it knowing there is an absolute beast underneath!

A Dolly Parton fan left a baby named "Jolene" after her 1974 hit song on the singers doorstep with a note saying "Mummy wants you to look after me" I think it's meant to be Storks that deliver babies not Stalkers!!

A teenage girl in Oslo survived after being shot 3 times; she has since been signed by Deathrow records.

A tramp in Dorset has been nominated to carry the Olympic torch; Homeless Gordon Roberts is excited because it will be the first time he's been warm in years and it is also the first time the Olympic torch will have been held under a spoon.

A Cop appeared on the TV show WipeOut whilst off on the sick; I'm personally surprised any police officer was fit enough to tackle an assault course, I'm always quick to label cops as crooked but I'd be a lot less surprised if she'd been on deal or no deal.

Scientists have used a controversial cloning technique to create a dog that glows; My face lit up when I read this story, I can imagine this would be great for walks at night but no good for hunting, I want one but trust me if it stats chasing it's tail I'm gonna start taking E's and playing rave music!

Enjoy my blogs?? Then come and see me live at the Edinburgh Fringe where I'll be saying funny things out loud for an hour every night of the Festival: More info <<click (p.s. 3rd-5th August are cheapest)

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