Thursday, 27 October 2011

News for Dummies 27/10

Jeremy Clarkson has had an injunction on his ex wife who was threatening to announce they've had a 10 year fling if he doesn't pay her £300'000; this is on top of the gagging order to stop her revealing she's The Stig.

Radio 1 today announced record figures.... Chris Moyles' figure is the fattest it's ever been!!

Japanese car salesmen are exporting vehicles on the sly which have been condemned due to radiation from the nuclear leaks; This will make a lot of sense if you pull into St.Mary's Light-house in Whitley Bay and see all those mutants from Blyth dogging. Drivers are advised to wear contamination suits, ironically making them look like The Stig, who as it was revealed earlier, has been fucking a mutant for 10 years!

Strawberries have been proven to prevent stomach problems, such as ulcers, caused by drinking alcohol; God bless Kopparberg for combining the two, all we need now is to discover cats piss relieves liver failure and we can really justify drinking it.

It has been revealed it was not drugs but drink that killed Amy Winehouse, all the papers claim she was 5 times over the limit, but I claim "When the fuck has there ever been a limit?" But the big question is more "Why the didn't the paramedics just give her a hand full of Strawberries???"

The government announce that carrying a knife WILL result in jail time; Damn, there is no longer a cool way to eat an apple legally!

More than 400 students have been punished for writing swear words in GCSE exam papers; but I think the kids at sCUNThorpe High School have been treated unfairly.

The "What has Mario Balotelli been in the news for today" Corner:
Mario was spotted flicking through a top shelf Porn-Mag while on a shopping trip with his girlfriend; proving he is a wanker on and off the pitch!

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