Friday, 28 October 2011

News for Dummies 28/10

Convicted paedo Robert Black has been charged for killing a fourth child back in 1981; This worries me as this means he was on the prowl dangerously close to when I was a baby, fortunately it was just before I was born so to get to me he'd have to have abused my Dads sperm... which would serve up a whole new set of troubling questions.

Nicole Shirtslinger speaks of the heart-ache of being dumped by Lewis Hamilton because he didn't share her desire to start a family; Call it false advertising Nicole but I don't believe he put the bite on you because your song lyrics were "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a clingy, broody, dream killing control freak..... like me!?"

An antique Rhino ornament has went for £200'000.... I can't believe they Charged that much....

you're right sir, it was a very big pun!

Lab tests have shown Ecstasy victim Jodie Nieman was not killed by the drug on her holiday to Ibiza; her death was actually a result of the fire alarm in her hotel going off and her dancing herself into a seizure.

A 35 stone man is claiming discrimination after he was turned away and told he was too big to fit on the train at Kelvedon station, Essex; Listen fatty, just because you give equal opportunities to food and don't discriminate on what goes in your mouth, and even if you love trains so much you shout "chooo-chooo" every time you give yourself another spoonful of maple's not about being unfair to you, it's about being fair to the poor cunt that would have to sit next to you for 3 hours pretending to be comfortable whilst resisting your gravitational pull by pressing their terrified looking face against the window!!

"I'm not a passenger I just crush a lot"

Eamon Holmes is being blasted by rape charities after he suggested to a rape victim in an interview that "She should have got a taxi home" yeah Eamon good think, why don't you ring the McCanns and suggest the Canary Islands as a safe holiday destination or perhaps tell Dwight York about condoms!?

A young teenage couple drown in a Canal last night; It was after she miss typed a text saying "If you're lucky we might end the night with some deep canal"

Women are twice more likely to be sick in the car than men; this statistic came out after Eamon Holms suggested drunk women should get taxi's

Back on Monday but catch me and Daniel Sloss live in Edinburgh (Tonight) Greenock (Saturday) or Thurso (Sunday) click here for details!

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