Monday, 13 February 2012

News for Dummies 13/2/12

Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel bathtub surrounded by bottles of the same prescription drugs Micheal Jackson used; Credit to MJ though at least he took the time out to water-proof himself, he would also have bubbles in his bath... to keep an eye on him. What I tend to do to stop myself drowning in the bath is get out when my fingers go wrinkly.

Louis Suarez is all over the news, taking more hammer than Whitney's septum because he didn't shake Patrice Evra's hand; I reckon if we can get worked up about two grown men not shaking hands over name calling we must be closer to world peace than ever. There be a storm brewing in our teacup!

Let's all get along

Ah what the fuck!? all that's in the paper is Houston's departure to hell, seriously you don't get Staci, 23, from Preston's boobs and opinion on education until page 11, she looks a little bit awkward with the situation too. It's 10 pages of depressing details of the tragic drug and abuse addled demise of a talented entertainer falling from grace resulting in her untimely death then at the turn of a page there stands Staci in just her pants with that "I should probably put these away" look on her face.

Kids are leaving primary school at the age of 11 with the maths skills of a 7 year old; I don't see this as a problem, we live in a world of computers that makes maths obsolete in every career except darts, and people in that field need further education in how to count, calories.

Ex-Brookside actress Jennifer Ellison managed to cut her head with her own ice-skate while competing on dancing on ice; one thing is guaranteed, give a Scoucer a pair of blades and they'll find something to stab. This wouldn't have happened if she had a Tinhead.

A British man has give birth to a child, the man was born a woman, had a sex change but retained the womb; Let's reword that, a woman wearing a permanent strap-on has had a kid. 

A TV advert will be broadcast tonight that only dogs can hear; the birds from Geordie Shore can't wait to tune in. 

Scientists have discovered over eating can give you memory problems in later life; Results of the studies were evident when both Michelle McManus and Rick Waller struggled to remember ever having a career.

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