Monday, 6 February 2012

News for Dummies 6/2/11

Somewhere between going through a break up and going on snowboarding holiday and breaking my shoulder (It might not be broken.... I should probably get it checked out) I have been on hiatus for 2 weeks, so I prescribe your cold turkey some mother fuckin' NEWS....

England boss Fabio Capello has blasted the FA from revoking the captaincy from the peoples Hitler, John Terry; So Fabio want's a known racist in command on the pitch? Next he'll be campaigning for the legalisation of slavery and writing a formal letter of complaint to the legacy of Martin Luther King.

I've just been through the blizzards in -32C Andorra on a transfer bus and the driver pottered along like it was a day art the office, then I come home and people are talking about this "Icy Spell" like it was cast by Lord Voldemort; Here is my survival guide: 1) Stop driving like a retard, 2) It's 2012 your house has central heating... you can make it feel like summer 365 a year, 3) Carry on as normal

Insurance companies plan on slashing the whiplash claim payouts, currently 1500 per day, to cut premiums; this will not only save us all money but it will also save 1500 people per day the stress of lying to a doctor.

1 in 4 Head teachers are not good enough for their job; what do they even do?? They just sit mysteriously in that office doing nothing but wait for kids to be really naughty. Their presence merely being used as a threat to encourage children to behave, like God, but real.

Due to a legal "gaffe" a rapist has been allowed to walk free; Judges can't understand how this happened claiming "He's not even a Premier League footballer!!!"

Joey Barton said he is willing to go to jail over comments he has made; please don't put Joey Barton in jail, the last thing we need is him writing a rap album.

"Out on bail fresh outa jail QPR dreamin'..."

Study has shown Twitter and Facebook are more addictive than Smoking and Alcohol; Except the addiction helps you sleep with people you fancy and not fat trolls on a 4am dance floor bottom feed. You can do it at the office desk without being sacked, it's much more flattering if a girl starts tweeting straight after sex and you won't find News for Dummies at the bottom of a pint class....... Now get back to your addiction.

No comments:

Post a Comment