News for Dummies 04/06/14

Harry Styles wowed One Direction fans last nigh by showing up to dance along side his boyband despite having the sniffles and being unable to sing; what a hero coming out and doing some little dance moves when he's poorly, meanwhile on the M6 a bloke called Geoff laid tarmac on a 12 hour night shift in the rain with the exact same condition because phoning in sick would have put him on statutory sick pay and he would have failed to meet his mortgage payment. However this wasn't front page news due to Harry's heroics popping shapes. 

David Hasselhoff took a stab at welsh people saying they're all hobbits; Next week on "80's American hasbeens with acid damage fucking with the welsh for no apparent reason" B.A Baracus says Gavin and Stacie is whack, while Tom Sellick throws a Catatonia cd out his car window 

A make-up company called "Hard Candy" is suing Madona for stealing their name for her new brand of work-out DVD's; I don't see why either want to name their company after a movie about child abuse, this is like a postal fim and a private midwife arguing over who calls their company "Deliverence" 

A 4 year old boy was rushed into hospital yesterday after finding his parents drug stash and taking an ecstasy pill; the alarm was raised when the boy was found dancing to the Hoover and telling his pet hamster how much he fucking loved it. 

According to a study husbands who make less money than their wives have better sex lives; this is because it's easier to cheat when your wife is always at work

A man spent £2k buying packets of stickers in order to complete his FIFA 14 World Cup sticker album; it's safe to assume the bloke was ginger, judging by the fact he had a ton of swapsies but no friends to trade with. 

Something about Justin Bieber making a cunt of himself....