Wednesday, 14 December 2011

News for Dummies 14/12

X-factor judge Lois Walsh dressed up as Cheryl Cole for a magazine photo shoot; He then waited outside Stamford Bridge and waved his arse in front of Ashley Cole on the off chance they could both get to stop lying to themselves.

Scientists have discovered why buttercups make your chin glow yellow, it's not because you like butter, it's because of light reflecting off the petals.... this is actually in the paper! Well. I. Fucking. Never!!! I'd love to have been in the lab that day while they were trying to get a square peg through a round hole and flinging shit at each other, millions of pounds going into cancer research (and hopefully production of the commercial jetpack) and this is the breaking news on the cutting edge of science!! Two seconds while I punch myself in the face with anger!

Ouch.... moving on.

Our body hair protects us from bed bugs; no wonder my balls get so itchy when I shave 'em!!

A man from Sunderland found a dinosaur bone while digging up his back garden; the prehistoric bone was taken to the cities museum where it is now displayed next to the last trophy Sunderland AFC won, which is thought to be older.

A computer hacker has been arrested after breaching facebook and attempting to steal peoples personal information; what personal information?? Peoples names, d.o.b's, relationship statuses, opinions, holiday photo's? why didn't he just simply Log On? He could have stolen everyone’s personal information with Ctrl+C.

A pensioner was last night trapped in his bed for 12 hours after 5000 sailing booklets he had stored in the loft fell through the ceiling and landed on him; poor fucker stuck for that long with nothing to read, the 77 year old was an ex Army Lieutenant, surviving numerous wars and dying to the hands of a few leaflets would be like Steve Irwin wrestling alligators then dying to the hands of a harmless stingray..... oh.

An ex-policeman was involved in a police chase through Scunthorpe while naked at the wheel; he was stripped of his uniform in 2009 but still always has his truncheon out, I imagine it was embarrassing being pulled by his former colleagues....after he got pulled over, wheeeeey!!

Here are some more cops making twats of themselves:

I'm hear all week!!

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