Monday, 12 December 2011

News for Dummies 12/12

Some sluts won the Karaoke; they were called Little Mix even though one of them aint that little.

Luckily for the world this means X-Factor is now over so the powers that be will have to think of another distraction for the sheep of the UK before they start realizing they are working 60 hours a week and are still skint. How come when there's singing on the telly we forget that we're being fucked up the arse??

The BBC faked Frozen Planet by filming an arctic polar bear in a German zoo; next you'll be telling me the bit with the penguin is just a clip from an old Batman movie and that Sir David Attenborough isn't actually immortal. This is the biggest Polar Bear scandal since Cresta Lemonade...

You had completely forgot about Cresta hadn't you???
A woman turned up to A&E to ask for help cutting her Christmas Turkey... the fucking Moron, Christmas isn't for another two weeks.

Ryan Giggs' wife joined the Man Utd team on their staff Xmas party and was the only wag there; just to make sure he didn't have sex with EVERYTHING. The other players, Alex Ferguson, the Champagne bottles, the little disinfectant rings in the urinals.... nothing is safe from Ryan's penetration unless his balls are in his wife’s handbag.

A man stealing copper from a church roof plummeted 20 feet; God works in mysterious ways, priests get away with interfering with children in his holy establishments but touch his copper and he'll lay the smack-down on your ass! God loves his copper.

brilliant check this on the very next page....

Prayers were said yesterday at All Saints, Oakham for Chief inspector Tony Day who murdered his wife and Daughter.... God Loves Coppers!!

Britain’s are urged to stop breeding dogs for a year; but how else will we get another series out of TOWIE!?

A stocky man from West Sussex snuggled into his girlfriend in his sleep and accidentally smothered her; And here I was annoyed when I woke up with a dead arm this morning, but I bet like me he still used it to get himself off!

News for Dummies is back for good now I'm back off tour so get it shared on Twitter, Facebook, print it out for the staffroom, don't let your friends and family go without this important daily news bulletin!

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