Thursday, 15 December 2011

News for Dummies 15/12

A 40 year old woman has come out claiming she is Jimmy Saville's child; turns out Mr Fix it was making his own wet dreams come true with a waitress in Cannock in the 70's. She will be having a DNA test but it seems pointless because 1/ She looks identical to him (minus a few months of decomposing) and 2/ WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THAT!?

One third of children are obese by the time they leave primary school; my question is, where are the bullies? Bullies used to keep obesity in check, we all need to fight obesity today by kicking a fat kid and shouting "Do You Want some Cake Fatty??" and if you're the parent of a fat kid and think THIS is cruel, just think about what you've done to the poor fucker!

A pensioner got lost driving on the m25 ring-road for 2 days; he said he hasn't been stuck in an Escort for that long since the 1950's

Britain is expecting a big freeze with 6 days of Ice and snow bringing roads across the UK to a standstill; except in Liverpool where they have so many people on community service the roads and streets will be cleared in no time. In fact they will probably look out the window, see the white powder on the ground, then try and snort it!

A school in Wales has stopped children exchanging Xmas Cards as it is not eco friendly; Let me explain something, if the cards don’t exchange hands... they still exist. They don't merge back together into a tree you fucking lunatics. I love the irony that by the school doing this it made the national papers of which MILLIONS of copies have been printed on the trees they were trying to save! Well Done!

A man saved a woman’s life when she was having a heart attack by using skills he learned from watching Holby City; apparently his atrocious acting shocked her into recovery. I'm just glad he watched Holby all the time and not porn or it would have been a very different outcome for the old dear, although the acting would have been better.

KLM airways are setting up a scheme to check facebook profiles of other passengers to choose who you would like to sit next to on the flight; just remember that if a gitl has just her head and cleavage on the photo and it's taken from above slightly, that although she doesn't appear to be fat on the picture... you WILL be losing the battle for the arm rest!

No comments:

Post a Comment