Monday, 3 February 2014

News for Dummies 03/02/14

Philip Seymour Hoffman has died age 46; you all know this because you saw it on Facebook, you also had to Google his name and check IMDB to familiarise yourself with his body of work before passing on the tragic news via Facebook yourself, it's incredible how we all just patted ourselves on the back for feeling sad about the tragic loss of one of hollywoods great extra's, let's face it, non of you have a Philip Seymour Hoffman poster up on your bedroom wall or his calendar up in the kitchen. Theres being respectful and there's being down right self righteous. (this is neither)

David Beckham has announced that he relaxes by playing with Lego; One time he was putting a rod through the hole in one of the bricks to attach a tyre when he realised the rod was in fact his wife…. I'm kidding, David clearly plays with Duplo not Techincs.

Half of Brits have turned a blind eye after witnessing a mugging or robbery; the other half phone the police who then turn a blind eye.

Scientists claim obesity can only be fought by regulating the fast food industry; No. Obesity can be fought by the same thing that made you become a scientist. Bullying.

A group of 178 people broke a world record for the most people to dunk toast into soft boiled eggs at the same time; the record was held by Margaret Thatcher who dunked a load of soldiers who were retreating to Argentina in the Falkland war.

British kids as young as 12 are being diagnosed with sexually transmitted diseases; I'm assuming they are catching them from each other and not the church, if so, times have changed, when I was that age the only prick the girls were taking was their BCG.

A female zookeeper is under investigation after claiming she's thought about having sex with a Chimp that gets aroused when she touches him; (I didn't even know Coleen Rooney was a zookeeper.) Animal rights activist have got involved, how rank must this woman be if fucking her is cruelty to animals??

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