This is the year that me and the friends I kept from school turn 30, next up is my mate Nicholas Soulsby (or Demus as we've always called him for no logical reason) Demus is currently in Spain on a stag party and while he's away his wife, Rachel, asked me if I could help her conspire something embarrassing for his impending landmark. I had an embarrassing idea but Rachel had no idea just how embarrassing it would turn out to be.
Demus is a casualty of male pattern baldness, his scalp hasn't had a plentiful harvest since the autumn of 1996 when we were in school together. I thought it would be a fun idea to announce the sad loss of his hair in the obituary section of the local newspaper, we decided it had to look like a genuine death otherwise it wouldn't get to print, luckily for us it turns out "Hair" is a genuine surname and last years census shows there are over 35 Hair families in my region. Who'd have thunk!?
This is what we decided upon:
Nicholas Hair (Blyth)
Peacefully in his sleep after years of holding on.
Such a sad loss at such a young age,
Although he never had a full life,
he spent it blowing in the wind.
Nicholas' Hair will be sorely missed by all of his family and friends
Service will be held June 17th
at Capelli's, Westgate, Blyth.
Capelli's is a hairdressers in Blyth and I know it wasn't a perfect option for a service but it looks more legit than HeadKase, Nappa's or Blyth Smartens...
This-morning Rachel popped into the main office of our local newspaper, The News Post Leader, to pick up a form for submitting an obituary (this is what it said to do online). When Rachel asked for this service the lady asked her to take a seat at the desk and went to get the form, instead of handing the form to her she sat back down at the desk and asked what she wanted to write. Rachel was mortified, she just wanted to pick up a form to write in private and hand in anonymously but here she was having to read out the spoof obituary in person, while simulating grief, with a 1 year old "fatherless" child in tow. All was going well, Rachel held her composure, maybe the sheer terror of the situation was as near enough to the loss of a loved one required to pull off the desired emotions. But how was Rachel supposed to account for the fact the lady filling in the forms got her hair cut at Capelli's!?
After being asked to repeat the last line several times, Rachel was put on the spot, "Is this a joke?"
She had no choice but to sheepishly admit what she was up to and accept the berating that followed from an angry lady, who went absolutely tits at the how utterly disrespectful and audacious the stunt was, before being asked to leave the premises.
The funniest bit about it for me is that this blog is how Demus is going to find out about the whole thing, including the fact he's going bald.