Wednesday, 28 May 2014

News for Dummies 28/05/14

Scotland have been accused of match fixing; with claims nobody can possibly be that shit at football by accident

SNP chief Alex Salmond did that MP thing and went to play soccer ball with the kids to try and look hippedy-hip-hop coolio down with the...yeeeeah; And he was photographed doing some sort of straight legged tommy toe-punt like he had a he-man style lever on his back, the Sun newspaper printed the photo all like "how cute, he looks like the monty-python funny walks sketch, what's he like, tickle his chin..." Mother Fuckers he looks like he's goose stepping, get off his dick!

TV bosses wanted to axe Dr Who rather than replace David Tennant after he stepped down from the role; Hey, geeks out there, they might be able to take Dr Who away from you, but you'll NEVER lose your virginity.

Hackers have been locking people out of their iPhones and demanding a cash ransom to let them back in; initially, people panicked that they were going to starve to death and end up homeless while their health deteriorated, then they realised this was some serious first world terrorism with no other damage than a bruise to their own self involvement, and then they got on with a life of human interaction and looking up, taking in our wonderful world without an addiction to the cyber dimension of social media and procrastination, many victims went on to pursue their dreams, live lives of fulfilment and spend valuable time with their family and friends they would have otherwise wasted... I'm fucking kidding, they paid £50 and got their phone unlocked.  

A pregnant woman was stoned to death by HER FAMILY in front of a high court for marrying the man she loved. READ IT AGAIN. This kind of thing is actually happening to human beings, the country is irrelevant we're all in this together, so just imagine it was at your nearest magistrates, geographical location doesn't make this OK... but why the fuck are you reading about this in a silly blog, why the fuck am I reading it in a pissy little article next to the main article of that page "NEWS REPORTER SAYS F-BOMB" while the front page or this paper says "KATIE KICKS OUT KIERAN" ....

.... Sorry for bring that up guys, come on let's get our blinkers back on, back to having fun...

Katie Price made her cheating husband beg for forgiveness then showed him the door (double page spread); Silly Katie, what use is his forgiveness if you're kicking him out, what a waste of both of your time.

News reporter drops F-Bomb on air; The minute he said "Fuck" the nation crumbled, mothers started vomiting into their children's faces and children started stabbing their fathers, old people died of offence and the economy flat lined, it's now the apocalypse, I think we're being pretty nonchalant about it.  

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