New for Dummies 30/05/14

Correspondence between George Dubya Bush and Tony Blair from the Iraq war will not be published; this is less to do with the fact they broke the Geneva Convention™ and more to do with the fact they couldn't find anyone willing to check G-Dub's spelling in the edit. 

Ok. Ok... rich coming from me (re: my spelling, not my reckless disregard of the Geneva Convention™) 

OMG Stop the press!! Kate and William went whisky tasting, they put whisky in their mouths tasted it, made a face, then offered an opinion. World news mother fuckers, cutting edge journalism here at the N4D headquarters. Tune in next week for more media misadventures of our mischievous monarchists, like riding a tandem bicycle and feeding a bottle of milk to an orphaned lamb. 

When Rolph Harassment's daughter found out he had been canoodling without consent she demolished his doodles; I hope when she shattered his sketches into smithereens she looked down the lens of a camera and said "Can you guess what it was yet!?" 

Today's alliteration is sponsored by Marijuana. 

And so was that picture!

Tesco has made a deal to be the biggest supermarket chain in China; they wanted Wallmart so they could launch a 'Great Wallmart of China' campaign but that would have been a £400m pun. Instead they settled for the wordier 'Big Touble In every Little helps China' slogan. 

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at an LA movie premier by a prankster who jumped the railings and charged at him; but in a mind blowing reveal at the end of the event it transpired Brad Pitt was actually punching himself in the face.

The dude who plays Billy Elliott has split up from his wife who was previously engaged Marilyn Manson; I fucking love it that Marilyn Manson and Billy Elliott are Custard Cousins™

Brits are spending £10billion a year on Drugs and Prostitution. I imagine pimps and drug dealers don't fill in tax returns, so I don't know how they found out this statistic. Maybe they got the figure from the politicians expenses. All I know is if Brits are illegally going to spend this money anyway, why don't we legalise, tax and control it and put the money back into education and healthcare? Not a joke, simply a valid point. 

Have a happy weekend! 

News for Dummies 29/05/14

George Michael collapsed yesterday and two ambulances were sent to his North London mansion; why two? That just seems like a pointless waste of resources. I wonder if the paramedics argued over who took him to hospital... 

"I got here first..." 

"...but this is my patch, didn't your shift finish 5 minutes ago?"  

"Look guys I'm fine, honestly, I've just been really run down lately there's no need to make a fuss"

"Keep out of this George this is none of your business, I'm taking him Sharon, you do this all the time!"

"I DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!?? What about you? I had what's-her-face-Winehouse in the stretcher when you turned up and commanded authority, she was still fucking conscious at that point"

"We'll she'd still be conscious now if you stayed off my patch!!!"

Two of the One Direction gang members have been smoking on a little bit of the drugs, gang leader Harry Styles (aka Don Direction) is furious at the debacle; What's a 20 year old boy doing going around getting furious at debacles? Who gets mad at their mates smoking weed? Yeah if they didn't share it with you maybe have a bit of a grump but don't get on your high horse at their social endeavours you fucking cunt. It's 2014, weed should be legal, stop adding to the problem, grow up, have a spiff with you mates, sing a song about it, happily ever after... 

Nigeria off the hook for match fixing; in other news the Nigeria goal keeper caught the ball in midair and threw it into his own goal during a match against Scotland last night. (This actually happened) (smooth)

Micheal Barrymore is going on the Jeremy Kyle show in a last ditch scream for attention; Muhahahaha Phase one of my cunning plan is in operation, all we need now is to make Pierce Morgan and Katie Hopkins watch this show on Goggle-Box to create a 'twat-paradox' opening a wormhole to banish them all back to whence they came. It'll be the TV equivalent of when the ghostbusters cross their proton-streams to defeat Gozar the Gozerian, sucking all the media vermin into their telly-boxes and sending them back to their hellish realm, leaving us in a TV utopia with our viewing in the hands of David Attenborough, John Snow, Brian Cox and the second coming of Carl Sagan. 

Guilt ridden thieves returned 2 lambs that they stole from a farm 3 weeks after the crime, this seems like a fairytale happy ending but look at it from the lambs point of view, they were free and now they're food again, it's a horror story.

Eating two fewer biscuits a day is the cure to obesity say ever so accurate tabloid scientist; or wow the difference between someone being in good shape and being an 20 stone heart attack time bomb is a couple of custard creams? That is the only difference between those two existences? Are you sure you're a real scientist? Are you sure it's not the spoonfuls and spoonfuls of your bullshit we lap up every day? 

There is to be a crack down on the increasing amount of '999' hoax calls; authorities say the hoax calls divert resources unnecessarily when they're already under a lot of strain working out who gets George Michael 

By the way, I'm still patting myself on the back so hard for my whaambulance picture, if you don't share this blog on the Facebook right now I will find you, and I will ask you why! Be warned! 

News for Dummies 28/05/14

Scotland have been accused of match fixing; with claims nobody can possibly be that shit at football by accident

SNP chief Alex Salmond did that MP thing and went to play soccer ball with the kids to try and look hippedy-hip-hop coolio down with the...yeeeeah; And he was photographed doing some sort of straight legged tommy toe-punt like he had a he-man style lever on his back, the Sun newspaper printed the photo all like "how cute, he looks like the monty-python funny walks sketch, what's he like, tickle his chin..." Mother Fuckers he looks like he's goose stepping, get off his dick!

TV bosses wanted to axe Dr Who rather than replace David Tennant after he stepped down from the role; Hey, geeks out there, they might be able to take Dr Who away from you, but you'll NEVER lose your virginity.

Hackers have been locking people out of their iPhones and demanding a cash ransom to let them back in; initially, people panicked that they were going to starve to death and end up homeless while their health deteriorated, then they realised this was some serious first world terrorism with no other damage than a bruise to their own self involvement, and then they got on with a life of human interaction and looking up, taking in our wonderful world without an addiction to the cyber dimension of social media and procrastination, many victims went on to pursue their dreams, live lives of fulfilment and spend valuable time with their family and friends they would have otherwise wasted... I'm fucking kidding, they paid £50 and got their phone unlocked.  

A pregnant woman was stoned to death by HER FAMILY in front of a high court for marrying the man she loved. READ IT AGAIN. This kind of thing is actually happening to human beings, the country is irrelevant we're all in this together, so just imagine it was at your nearest magistrates, geographical location doesn't make this OK... but why the fuck are you reading about this in a silly blog, why the fuck am I reading it in a pissy little article next to the main article of that page "NEWS REPORTER SAYS F-BOMB" while the front page or this paper says "KATIE KICKS OUT KIERAN" ....

.... Sorry for bring that up guys, come on let's get our blinkers back on, back to having fun...

Katie Price made her cheating husband beg for forgiveness then showed him the door (double page spread); Silly Katie, what use is his forgiveness if you're kicking him out, what a waste of both of your time.

News reporter drops F-Bomb on air; The minute he said "Fuck" the nation crumbled, mothers started vomiting into their children's faces and children started stabbing their fathers, old people died of offence and the economy flat lined, it's now the apocalypse, I think we're being pretty nonchalant about it.  

News for Dummies 27/05/14

UKiP, UKiP, something about UKiP; where have all the good assassins gone? In the past we've carefully assassinated good people with a positive message, JFK, John Lennon, Princess Diana... Do you not think its time we turned a corner and started whacking cunts like Nigel Farage? It wouldn't even need to be discreet, you could take him out in broad daylight, with a blunt object, on prime time TV, and not a single witness would testify. Who wants to be a hero? 

OUTRAGE. Outrage they say, as a German newspaper posts a picture of Kate Middleton's royal butt-piece; however the British tabloids don't see the irony of posting this story just next to Sam, 28 for Manchester's outrageous tits, like we're elitists about dignity. The real outrage is our tabloids pseudo-decency by censoring the picture, of course we want to see her ass, we're the monsters you made us...

A 41-year-old dad got struck by lightening while watching his son play football (eyes down here, stop looking at Kate's farting tackle you animal) he woke up in an ambulance after receiving 37'000 volts through his umbrella (pssst, stop getting distracted by the princesses peachy posterior, this is a serious story) but was otherwise unharmed (HA, I said BUT); The man got out of hospital when his fillings had cooled down only to discover his phone was fully charged. Fuck it, I'm going full pun on this one...  Before the incident his son was STORMING the game, he BOLTED down the wing beating his man with ELECTRIC pace and was SHOCKED when he STRUCK the ball and it THUNDERED off the post.... For fuck sake, you're looking at her arse again aren't you!?

Oh. My. Days. South Korea have made female parking bays, they're pink, a few feet longer to make it easier to park, and are right next to the disabled bays at the front. I wonder if while the South Korean government were reinforcing the stereo-type that women are shit drivers, they were aware of the global stereo-type that Asians are shit drivers. Disclaimer: I'm just stating a stereo-type, not suggesting we should have Asian bays. Look, I'll just be at the back, not complaining, with all the other able bodied western males, just like we are with job applications and queues for the lifeboat. 

Statistics revealed yesterday that police randomly stopped and frisked dozens of OAP's over the age of 85 last year; I can just imagine the policeman thinking he's found something; WHAT'S THIS? A hernia officer... WHAT'S THIS?? That'll be my catheter officer.... AHA, AND WHAT MIGHT THIS BE?? Cancer sir, a big ball of cancer... Can I go?  

Meatloaf has encouraged his tribute act Pete Rossi to enter Britain's Got Talent; Pete replied by saying he would do anything for love but he won't do that. 

Tesco have revealed that the majority of Panini football stickers have been sold to men in their 30's according to Tesco Club Card statistics; I reckon this might be something to do with the fact 12-year-old boys don't whap out a fucking club card. 

Got... Got... Need... Who?... Got... Want...

News for Dummies: 26/05/14

Katie Price (Jordan) has caught her husband (random knob #3724) having an affair by subjecting him to a lie detecter test; He got exposed for mistruths about his fidelity before the lie detecter eventually blew up when random knob #3724 said he was with Katie for her mind. Before the explosion the machine also confirmed that Jordan's face, tits and success were also all a bunch of lies. 

Golfer Rory McIlroy won the BMW PGA Championship days after splitting from his fiancé, apparently golf is easier to play when your balls aren't in someone's handbag. 

22 year old Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree in Santa Barbara unloading 400 bullets and killing 6 people because women didn't want to sleep with him; the nation is shocked that a 22 year old virgin only has a 1.5% shooting accuracy after all of the hours he must have spent on Call of Duty. 

Elliot eventually turned the gun on himself and police are currently searching for the location where he respawned. 

I'm reading The Sun for research into shit news stories (it's a good source of that) and every single article ends with "Turn to page x" it's like a choose your own adventure book of propaganda and social conditioning. Turn to page 6 for your new opinion or turn to page 9 to be scared into hatred. Men go to the back page and women go to page 3 to find out who you admire. 

Police failed to stop an illegal raid yesterday in Sussex; it turned out that arriving at the scene with their sirens on only added to the problem

Bob Geldof is back performing after 6 weeks since dead Peaches made him sick; that was quite the tummy bug

I've just turned to page 15 of choose your own propaganda and the Sun have referred to someone as "Star of Benefits street" surely you can't be a "star" of Benefits street, but merely a "victim" or a "social sacrifice to appease the media gods" but not a Star. Surely a Star is a person of extraordinary talent in a field and not the product of a broken society, singled out on a media vehicle to demonise the working class. At this point a "Star" to me is just a slightly less shit tabloid. 

Simon Cowell last night praised the Big-Tweet to find Missing Children for reaching 50'000 retweets; I think celebrating the amount of retweets you got is somewhat losing sight of the goal. The article doesn't even mention anything about results, just retweets. Wow. Excuse me while I become the star of fucking killing myself.... I honestly think they call it The Sun because staring into it can damage your eyes forever! 

Hiccups for Dummies

The other night my friend almost had her night ruined by a dose of the Hiccups, luckily there are several methods to get rid of them and everyone will give you their own expert method of eluding the (not so) deadly spasms, so just in case you find yourself victim to these unwelcome involuntary convolutions, here is a handy list of ways to dispel yourself of the hiccups:


1: Hold your breath until you pass out, if you wake up and still have the hiccups, repeat process

2: Put your fingers up your nose, in your ears, in your eyes and up your bum, then drink a pint of milk (you may need to borrow some fingers and some milk)

3: Frighten yourself, no-one expects their first hiccup so that in itself should give you a fright meaning you should, in theory, only ever hiccup once

4: Stand on your head and clap your feet whilst armpit farting and recite the alphabet backwards, then forwards, then randomly.

5: Remove the shoelace from your left shoe, wrap it around your right ear then ask the postman for the time, when he gives you the time you must immediately turn and sprint until you are out of his view or out of breath. 
CAUTION: This method usually costs you your left shoe

6: Text your ex then immediately text them again saying that it wasn't meant for them, if this still hasn't worked, leave them an answer phone message apologising

7: Rummage through public garbage bins until you find a tampon 

8: Completely blank the next person that tries to talk to you, wait until they start getting annoyed and confused then take a selfie of the pair of you, post it on twitter with them @'d in and # tag it WHATACUNT then without breaking eye contact with them spit in your own hand, slap yourself in the face and walk away.

9: Put your dads balls in your mouth and hum the tune from Heartbeat (anyones dad will do but it has to be the tune from Heartbeat) If you hiccup on his balls you have to start the tune from scratch

10: Flashmob a mosque



Hope this helps guys!

Just because every blog needs a photo...

Home-made Religion

Could how you live affect how you die?

I’ve always been standoffish with religion, believing we’re too insignificant to ever know what is going on, I even find it arrogant that people think they sincerely know the answers. “There’s a god who made people and if you sin he punishes you…” BULSHIT you don’t know that. “You can’t eat pigs or you go to hell…” Hmmm, silly rule based on nothing. It’s all an assumption based on some-one else’s assumption based on someone else’s assumption dating back to when people were more ignorant than we are now, if you believe that’s possible. But every religion is preached with imperious conviction rather than admitting, “I don’t know, but I think it’s this…” I say if you want to have faith in something, don’t subscribe to something that’s already out there, make up your own beliefs.

When I die I think I’m going to be presented with an interface that gives me all the statistics of my life and provides me with action replays from any moment, synthesizing the happiness achieved by watching all the fun I had, feeling the love by watching toddler-Kai playing in the garden with his granddad on a summers day. This is an afterlife I’d be happy with and it inspires me to do more cool shit while I’m alive so I can relive it over and over. Of course this isn’t what I truly believe is going to happen, but if I’m going to make something up (like all religions are) I might as well fabricate something quality.

However. What I truly believe is this:

You may or may not know that we all trip balls off a potent hallucinogen called “Dmethyltryptamine” (DMT) every night when we sleep, it’s secreted from a gland in our brain, it’s what makes us dream. Now you can smoke this shit too, or ingest it orally, and people who have had waking DMT trips have had vivid psychedelic, spiritual experiences. Picture a dream that you are entirely aware of, as much as you are aware of reality right now. When you come back from these experiences you feel like you’ve been on a journey into your mind for hours and hours but in the physical realm the clock has only moved several minutes. Here’s the kicker, when you die, just before you die, the pineal gland (the third eye) in your brain has a massive dump of DMT flooding your brain with this drug.

So. My theory is that in this moment you have an uber lucid spiritual trip into your own mind that lasts for what feels like eternity (at the same time as your final meagre seconds in the physical realm come to an end) and what happens in this suspended infinity that you are held in largely depends on how you’ve lived your life; how at peace (or at war) you are with yourself in your final moments. If you’ve been kind, compassionate, loving, loved, moral, HAPPY; this is probably going to be a favourable existence, where your imagination will conjure the very images and feeling of people and friendships and experiences that have flavoured your life. You’ll be in your very own heaven. On the flip side, if you’re a cunt, a spiteful, jealous, insincere, hateful, miserable fuck-up. The debauched conscience and deep-rooted anxieties that come as a by-product of doing the wrong thing and being a BAD PERSON as a way of life will be there with you in the tomb of your infinity. It will be a haunting , torrid, nightmare of a DMT trip. Fire and Brimstones.

Now I’m not a real scientist, and I’m basing my suggestion on documentaries I’ve watched and articles I’ve seen. This is no different to a vicar suggesting (declaring) that Christianity is the truth just because they’ve read a book. The irony of my theory being that if you go to church and truly believe in your religion, chances are when you have your DMT trip you will see Jesus in your minds eye, and there will be pearly gates. Because it’s your heaven. I’m personally going to dream about statistics and replays, and probably Game of Thrones.

Just an idea for you to ponder over on a Wednesday afternoon.