Friday, 29 April 2011

News for Dummies 29/4 (Royal Wedding)

Loop Swoop and Pull mother fucker Wills and Kate tied the knot without any upset, Gazza didn't show up with a fishing rod, Harry refrained from shouting Paki at a wealthy sultan and Osama Bin Laden didn't fly a 747 into anyone.

It's hard to believe it's the same pot of money that insists on huge taxes on petrol and cuts on funding for education and healthcare that closed the streets of our capital city put 1000's of police on patrol and spunked millions on festivities as well as giving everyone a day off. It reminds me of the week I couldn't afford milk but somehow ended up waxing £200 on lap dances courtesy of Barclaycard.

The evening do could be interesting the Queen will be spewing into her hat while Prince Philip is making David Cameron sniff his fingers. Kate and William will pretend to be grateful when thanking everyone for buying them Argos vouchers and Harry will probably get blitzed on Coke and rim Wills' pint out of spite that he'll never be King! other news

15 arrested for protesting Tesco location in Bristol after hurling missiles at police officers because it's obvious the police are solely responsible for the new Tesco location and need to feel pain for their suspect decision making. On that note there is a car dealership directly across the road from my house, I don’t want it there so I might go and punch a nurse in the face!

Barack Obama to visit tornado victims; he's just waiting for the dust to settle. Claiming "they need something to pick them up"

My friend Andrew Dyer has started going out with  a girl called Jenny but his facebook relationship status hasn't changed. Mark Zuckerberg has been informed of this disturbance in the force and will take immediate action on Andrew if he doesn't obey the rules of the new world order by Monday afternoon.

Academics claim calling animals 'pets' is insulting.... Said academics can lick my hairy balls clean and go shit in the garden, I'm a Geordie and call my own granny "Pet"   and for fuck sake my pet tortoise humps anything you put in front of him and he doesn't even get insulted when I call him John Terry.

Dannii Minogue had to have her appendix out Now she will never be able to eat grass again.

Research links spring births to Anorexia I completely disagree as Sean and Aimee's baby Lola spewed breast milk all over their friend Lindsey and I'd say this was a sign of an early Bulimic

Jill Dando is dead (I ran out of news stories)

Go fuck yourself San Diego

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