News for Dummies 30/4

Elton John was spotted crying at the wedding yesterday. When questioned whether this was in happiness for William or sadness for Dianna he responded "It is probably just because I'm a big gay!"  

Shenanigans in Libya as the civil war spills into Tunisia, NATO's bombings of government buildings have Gaddafi (who looks like my mate Fen) shaken and requesting a cease fire for peace talks. To think this all started because they built a Tesco in the wrong place!!

Rumours are that NATO's involvement is motivated by the fact Libya have oil, such suggestions make me think we'd have been more forgiving to Hitler if Poland had oil.

Japan has released 4 Trillion Yen for rebuilding after the devastation, I just hope they aren't like the typical Brit who gets a home improvement loan then pisses it up the wall on a holiday in Benidorm a jet-ski and a trampoline for the back garden (all things we need obviously despite the fact every time someone has a shower water runs into the kitchen, that can wait) I think we can expect a new Super Theme Park in Japan any time soon!  

A bus full of funeral mourners fell into the river Nile because someone left the hand-break off on the ferry. I'm not saying it was a woman driver but a million garage doors would beg to differ. You're having a shit day if you're mourning a loss one minute the next minute you're treading crocodile infested water in your best suit.

TomTom are "sorry" for selling driver data to the police, I bet they are only sorry because the police have been turning up late to the wrong criminals houses!

Medical breakthrough a 5 minute test can detect autism in 1 year old babies..... well the test is actually 5 minutes and 17 seconds.

More than one in ten teachers have been attacked by parents, it's an interesting shift that the old people of today reminisce about times you could hit bad pupils while we'll be in our rocking chairs talking about the good old days when we could smack bad teachers.

The PlayStation Network is still down but it's not all bad. My dads garden is looking great, my brother in law has met his 9month old son and Matthew Canning has realised what life is like without suffering humiliating defeat on a daily basis.

My Girlfriend is at work so I'm off to have a wank in the living room with the big Telly

Over to Georgie Thompson with the sport....