Sunday, 1 May 2011

News for Dummies 1/5

A man drives his car of the south rim of the Grand Canyon and survives! Apparently the rockets on his "Acme Acres" car that were supposed to propel him to the other side failed and the road runner got away AGAIN.

A Family had a lucky escape when a pipe bomb blew off their front door. The deadly device filled with shrapnel and ball bearings was shoved through their letterbox as they slept upstairs. And I thought we were bad ass when Leigh Critchley and I used to post grass cuttings and dogs muck through Mr.Barrass' letter box for keeping our ball when it went in his garden. Now we just look like a couple of pussies!

Gloucestershire residents are being encouraged to compost at home as part of Compost Awareness Week. Why don't they just get a fucking life instead!? All the problems in the world and some bell-end is spear heading a compost awareness week (I hope he's called Pete) fuck your compost and everything you stand for just be quiet and keep making nice cheese!

After complaining about the PlayStation Network being down Kylie suggested I should get my X-Box out, but I was confused and thought she meant Ex-Box so we had an awkward moment when I pulled a shoe-box from under the bed and proceeded to show her valentines cards and holiday photo's of me and Nicola. 

Personal consumption expenditures rose 0.2% in March after an upwardly revised 0.5% jump in February. A 0.4% increase in outlays of services and a 0.1% jump in purchases of durables lifted consumer spending ...So Fuck!

Prince Harry is reported to have delivered a "Hilarious" best man speech, but that probably depends on how much you like racism.

Hospitals are being forced to make even bigger cuts but as a result are receiving complaints from patients after surgery about the unnecessary size of their scars

After embarking on a run yesterday I arrived home and undressed for my bath and actually laughed out loud at how tiny my cock had went.

<insert tense exit music here while I shuffel papers and pretend to talk off mic to the person next to me>

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