Tuesday, 17 May 2011

News for Dummies 17/5

The queen is set to visit Dublin, I wonder if she looks up at the giant spire on O’Connel street and says “We’ve got a massive prick like that in our country, he’s called Nick Clegg!

A couple have named their new born daughter “Like” because of their obsession with facebook, with this name the girl is likely to struggle with friend requests and she is destined to become a chav who will get poked behind a wall.

Minister John Hayse addressed the house of commons with a speech that was word for word lifted from Wikipedia. Doesn’t he know Wikipedia is often made up and could lead to him telling untruths? Christ, imagine that…. A politician lying!!

Vatican tells Bishops to set clear strategies against child abuse, I have severe doubts about any organization that has to take these actions, put it this way if Microsoft had a history that required such “strategies” I’d be writing this blog on a Mac. Unsubscribe from your God now and shut this cult down.

Soldiers hunt for 3 AWOL goats which escaped Camp Bastion in Afghanistan. This trivial mission tells me the war on terror is finally over but we are still very much in a nanny culture. The British army have deployed trolls to sit under the bridges at each exit of the settlement.

Maths teacher jailed for assaulting teenage pupils, right that’s it no more maths for me; I’m not even going to work out my change at the shop. Everyone unsubscribe from maths right now!!!

I just looked at the business section of the news and it confused the shit out of me. Up until now I just thought FTSE was flirtatiously kicking the legs of the girl opposite you under the table. And Dow Jones was the Chinese kid in class whose mother married a brick layer.

Avram Grant should probably kill himself.

Two youths have been arrested for chasing Penguins around their enclosure at Scarborough Sea Life Centre; Unfortunately the penguins are not fans of Benny Hill and were left traumatized, they are now on anti-depressants and one of them even has a stitch.

See you tomorrow fuckers!!


  1. Loved the putting trolls under the bridge part. GENIUS!! :)

  2. Ah cheers mate, and you're my first ever comment!! Who'd have thought it would take a troll under a bridge joke!

  3. wow I've just realised people don't often comment because you have to go through extensive screening process just to write that message!!