Monday, 9 May 2011

News for Dummies 9/5

Gagging in junctions used to be something serial killers would do to hitch -hikers, but now it's the badge of honour for socialites, if you haven't got a super-injunction stopping photo's of you noshing Jeremy Clarkson (again gagging in junctions) hitting the media, you're a nobody!

It doesn't matter if the media stop these stories everything you read on twitter is always true #fact

The new edition of official Scrabble words is out and includes street terms like "innit" and "thang" There will also be an update of Monopoly where you can graffiti tag opponents properties and going to jail gains you respect. In chess the horses can now do drive by's and the culprit in Cludo gets let off with an Asbo.

160 Police officers sacked in per year for misconduct, but in their defence it is hard not to abuse that power, I'd be so tempted to pull over a hearse, walk up to the driver side window and say "There've been reports you've got a body in the boot!"

A Gloucester man is facing court after doing his gardening in the nude, I think he should get a medal for bravery, having you're wang out is not the correct PPE for using a strimmer! Onlookers said he would carelessly turn over his potatoes and that since he trimmed his bush everything was a lot more visible from the neighbouring gardens.

Kate McCann tells of anger over police treatment. But I think the amount of police officers getting fired every year should be the least of her worries

BBC News announces the victims of the 7/7 bombings were and I quote: "Unlawfully Killed" Seriously!?? This is an outrage; surely it was all above board and by the book? I thought the terrorists applied for permission from the council, give residents of the surrounding area 90 days notice, had all the appropriate certificates in pyrotechnics..... gah what a controversial decision!!

Prince William rescued a 70 year old man in Snowdonia who had a heart attack whilst having a pint with friends..... all very heart warming but fairy tales just aren't what they used to be!

Just a short blog today as I've been travelling all morning but if you haven't had enough funnies for the day I will be hosting a fantastic Live Stand-Up comedy show tonight in Cramlington. Tickets are £6 each for 3 hours of entertainment. For more details email it'll be great to see you there!

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