Friday, 13 May 2011

News for Dummies 12/5

Road deaths are set to become a bigger killer than AIDS but this doesn't make for quite as catchy a song on Team America. Rumour has it that road deaths first came about when some-one fucked a monkey on the spine -road.

Florists claim this is great for business as people don't decorate lampposts in areas where people die of aids.

Protesters gather outside the Ugandan embassy to protest against the anti-gay bill, but Bill says he's entitled to his opinion.

The Telegraph claim Britain is the hot-bed of Europe for legal highs. I beg to differ with this statement I was in Amsterdam last month and every fucker was happily cycling around off their tits with no compromise to the law.

I actually can't believe cannabis isn't legal in this country, yet alcohol is. There have been countless acts of violence using the vessel the drink was served in to "glass" people and I can guarantee no-one has ever been hit over the head with a bong.

Quentin Tarantino has declared he wants’ Lady Gaga in his next film, this has generated a lot of excitement as we might get to see a realistic depiction of Gaga in a gory death scene.

It is announced that having 5 cups of coffee per day reduces breast cancer risk. Is this a long handed way of saying "Sleep causes cancer"?

A previously undiscovered fungi found in a garden pond in Essex is a breakthrough in micro-biology, but ITV2 claim they have beat the scientist to the punch with the utter pond-life they have discovered on the only way is Essex.

Vicky Collins from Littlehampton, West-Sussex has married her boyfriends dad. Her ex boyfriend Sean should get his own back and complicate matters by marrying Vicky's mam. This would then make his dad his son in law and Sean would become his own granddad.....

Despite the Super Injunctions keeping it from the media the following accusations were made on facebook about my friends this morning: 
  • "Peter Tate once gave Annie Lennox a candlelit sponge bath in return for a grilled cheese sandwich"
  • "Drew Tinsley loves to put his sisters dirty knickers on his head, inhale deeply and have a finger in his arse whilst wanking and when he comes he shout EA SPORTS ITS IN THE GAME"
  • "Liam Rogerson got his hair cut at Toni and Guy"
  • "Al Dawes bit the head off a rabbit"
  • "Peter Tate was once convicted for stalking Roy Castle and blowing cigerette smoke over him as he slept"
  • Ross Peak once cut of both his feet with a rusty bow saw, the ran across two fields of salt and vinegar crisps, just to smell the exhaust fumes of the van taking Peter Tate's Sisters dirty knickers to the laundrette.

Peter Tate - Shamed!

.....Add me on facebook to see the full list of rumours and accusations!

No news used to be good news but tell me could you have went on without that information!??

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