Tuesday, 3 May 2011

News for Dummies 3/5

The Director for the centre of Security and Intelligence is optimistic that the demise of Osama Bin Laden is the beginning of the end for Al-Qaeda. This was concluded after studying the history of his parallels; Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini and Jade Goodey.

...What?? We’ve been freed from the clutches of evil that is Big Brother, it's no coincidence!

Osama is said to have been shot in the head and despite his cunning attempt to bandage up this area in advance of the injury the wound was still fatal.

Nick Clegg visited the North-East but stayed clear of Newcastle and claimed it was to "Strike a happy medium" we are yet to learn WHY he punched that gypsy fortune teller from Gateshead in the face. She was having a great day until he came along.

Fire-fighters are spending a fourth day tackling a large fire near Halifax. The only time I want to see "Fire" and "Halifax" in the news is when they finally decide to put Howard in a Wicker-man

Vodafone have installed mobile phone chargers in 500 black cabs across London, for Christ sake do you not think we get charged enough in those bloody things....Get it?? CHARGED ENOUGH!!! I'm on FIRE, drop and roll mother fucker..... I made that joke up in Halifax four days ago! Better believe it!

A Swindon head teacher has warned that facebook is a danger to teachers. Though most of the teachers at the school have said they are willing to tolerate the abuse they receive and remain on the social network just so they can still view pictures of Lucy from year 12 wearing a thong bikini in Ibiza.

Vodafone have provided a method of paying for your cab-fair via text. "But what if you have no battery life on your phone" I hear you ask!! Oh Vodafone you clever little tinka's you have every angle covered. Wait let's try this one: "What if you are on the Vodafone network and can't get signal for shit??" Back to the drawing board! 

Kasabian announce gigs in June, shortly after the revelation he had been in Imogen Thomas the media demand to know who this mysterious "June" girl is, and why Kassabian would hold such knowledge!?

That's all for today, I'll see all you bitches again tomorrow!!

(Keep scrolling down for the weekend’s updates if you missed them because you only procrastinate at work)

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