Tuesday, 10 May 2011

News for Dummies 10/5

Thousands of Women will join the "SlutWalk" (Their words not mine) in a half naked march through London to Protest against sexual violence. It’s a shame none of these hippies are going to be fit or I would have took the train journey just to fill the "spank-bank" (my words not theirs)

This is a great idea though, any man with psychopathic tendencies will see these semi-dressed angry women and go "ahhh yeaaahh, I was about to go and assault a chick but since they put it like that I'm going to go home and watch scrap heap challenge, what was I thinking"

Two "living statue" street performers came to blows on London’s south bank leaving one severely injured and one facing four years in jail. The "Invisible king" clobbered the "silver wizard" over the head with a rock but at this point onlookers were confused as to what was stone and what wasn't. One bystander said "It was like playing world of war craft on acid"

Teenage girls terrorise a suburb in Blackburn, first Al Qaeda and now this!!! Look, if you are so weak you can fall victim to "terror" from teenage girls you deserve it.... Blackburn you big bunch of Pussies, man up and grow a pair!!

Research shows that breast fed babies are better behaved, this is because you have just sucked on your mams boob, it's quite humiliating and leaves you subdued for the next couple of hours as you reflect your actions.

Ed Milliband is being blasted for having a limp handshake, and rightly so, there is nothing worse than a handshake that feels like someone has just handed you a flaccid cock. Sissies that can't shake hands properly should be shipped over to Blackburn to be bullied by teenage girls.

Police are hunting for a man who abducted and raped a cat, who'd rape a cat, they're not even sexy! The cat-napper is expected to have scratch marks (which insinuates the cat enjoyed it) and is probably up a tree. In the wake of this horrendous attack, 1000's of cats will march through London with their tails in the air.

I think 16 across in the Sun's (coffee time) crossword is Vagina.  

Climate change will affect our Wi-Fi. We had come to terms with tides destroying civilisations and 1000's of species becoming extinct but Limited Porn Access!!?? Now you have our attention, I'm off to get some energy saving light bulbs.

Have a nice day everyone and always remember, you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friends nose!!

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