Thursday, 19 May 2011

News for Dummies 19/5

Police told their pay will be cut by one fifth but despite this news work-rate has increased and productivity has doubled as police seize twice as many drugs from dealers.

Keneth Clark is being slated for claiming some rapes are more serious than others; Like for instance Facebook rape is very different to arse rape. One leaves you feeling violated, traumatised, humiliated and emotionally damaged. And the other gives you a sore bum.

Scientists claim happiness can kill after discovering that people who are too full of joy die younger than their more downbeat peers. So I hope you know every day that I write this blog I am slowly killing you all!!

Japan slides into recession. 28 % of Manchester Utd season ticket holders won’t renew…. Just saying!

Rod Stewart turns 65 and claims he can’t wait to use his bus pass; What?? To rack up a line of coke?

Wayne Rooney had a row with a Liverpool fan online; spell check has phoned in sick today due to stress and exhaustion.

Clumsy Dr’s accidentally left a 12 inch spatula in a patient’s stomach after surgery… When the man found out he flipped, he said just the thought of what they did turned his stomach.

An Illegal trafficking ring has been bringing Viagra into the UK. You would think I’d have remembered that episode of captain planet. They claim it was for personal use but I’m not sure that will stand-up in court.

The Guinness book of records announces Maria Gomes as the oldest person in the world at 114 years old…. The miserable old bat.

Now get back to work!!

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