Tuesday, 31 May 2011

News for Dummies 31/5

Last Bank-holiday weekend I reported on the death of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. But this Bank Holiday a new evil rises as Killer Cucumbers infect 1000’s across Europe resulting in 16 fatalities already; The western world is now living in fear of the saladban and Alotment Qaida. The cucumbers are reported to be hiding underground but intelligence suggests they are not a root vegetable so probably aren’t.

33% of Rapists and Killers are foreign; but you know how you get when you have your holiday head on.
Food prices will double in the next 20 years causing mass world hunger; I doubt this theory because everybody has the “day before payday diet” of 9p Noodles from ASDA even if these inflate to 18p I’m sure we would manage.
Alan Titchmarch has said gardening turns him on and keeps his sex life going, as he grew his own vegetable and tossed it over a leafy salad. When questioned about the killer Cucumbers he said “I don’t support terrorism but it makes me horny!”
Traffic Wardens strike after receiving pay cuts refusing to cross the double yellow picket lines, I mean they would hate anyone to think they are scabs.
Germany is set to close their Nuclear reactors after the Fukushima disaster in Japan; Claiming they have not felt this much threat since the last time Japan suffered nuclear fallout 66 years ago.
You will be issued with an on the spot £80 fine if you swear in Barnsley; this must be a way to supplement traffic wardens pay, sort of a commission for every ticket they hand out.
A man is being quizzed over a fire which broke out in Tantons hotel in Devon; Quite an odd specialist subject to request on Mastermind but each to their own.
Naomi Campbell is considering taking legal action against Cadbury after claiming a 'racist' advertisement compares her to a chocolate bar; What? She seems like a good idea at the time but leaves you feeling guilty with a migraine?? You don’t fancy her all to yourself but would happily share her with your mate?? She make your dog throw up??
Keep fighting the good fight brothers and sister!!

When you come in from work and see your wife with a towel around her head and Cucumbers on her eyes. Be afraid.... be very afraid. The three forces of evil have combined!!  

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