News for Dummies 5/5

What the fuck is all this about the Aston Villa vote??

It is said the US used the torture method of "Waterboarding" on Osama's assailants to get crucial information about his whereabouts, is it just me or does that sound fun? Other methods such as "Electricity surfing" and "The Rainbow Rack" weren't required... People are still claiming that Osama's body being buried at sea is "A bit fishy"

Syrian troops finally withdraw from Deraa, allowing Mr.O'Brian to limp back onto the set of Mock the Week.

MP Nadine Dorries has had a bill passed for just girls to have an extra sex education lesson on how to say "No" to sex. Here's a better suggestion girls, avoid being offered sex at all by simply looking like Nadine Dorries

In the other class room the boys will have a lesson of how to use the blue persuadatron that is WKD, rendering Nadines efforts futile.

A man claims his dead mum helped him win the Euro millions because he visited her grave and it was her Birthday the day he won.... I might be over thinking it but was there a huge battle in heaven that night between all the dead birthday mums who had a family member at the foot of their grave? Was it like a big WWE royal rumble with the Camelot Lottery ball machine hanging in the middle of the ring rather than the title belt? Did all the other people in his position not love their dead mum enough or were those bitches simply suplexed out the ring in the heaven royal rumble by the winners mum?? ~ Or was it a coincidence??

Rain should help put fires out across Britain. Better believe it, they're guessing that WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY will help with fires. Who hires these geniuses and how the fuck did this make the news!? 

Singer Adele told the tabloids she would have sex with Rhianna; Singer Rhianna read the tabloids and did a sick in her mouth.

Mariah has called her son Moroccan, the babies dad is Nick Cannon.... they have named a child Moroccan Cannon. Google image not only found a moroccan cannon but also saw into the future...




World is safer without Bin Laden claim the same people who said rain will help put out fires

Belly fat is more responsible than fat anywhere else for connirary heart disease, Even if you have a perfect BMI a muffin top could put you at risk...... My Girlfriend is fucked!!


see you all on twitter between updates: @kaihumphries