Monday, 16 July 2012

News for Dummies 16/7/12

The red-cross have declared the conflict in Syria a civil war; I personally declare a conflict between the words "civil" and "war", There's nothing courteous or polite about killing each other with hot metal. You wouldn't declare a hospitable murder or an amicable rape.

British scientists have been awarded a £6m grant for genetically modified crops, One of the scientists, Stephen Hawking, said he is extremely concerned about them tampering with vegetables.

Ronnie Wood's ex girlfriend is in page three of the Sun today, there is something really off putting about boobs when all you can picture is a skeletal heroin addict pensioner suckling on them like a hungry lamb with a chemically enhanced semi on. Not gonna lie, it put me right off my wank.

N Dubs star and notoriously ghastly nosher, Tulisa, pulled out of a festival seconds before she was due to perform. You can't just pull out of a performance with seconds to go without making a splash. Festival organiser Tony Scott said "She's done a really good job of blowing it this time" which is the first time Tulisa has ever heard those words.

Madonna accidentally flashed her boobs while performing at a greatest hits concert; This is a sign that it's time she stopped wearing short skirts.

Sylvester Stallones son, Sage died last week aged 36; However we all recall watching him die on his arse in 1990 when he played Sly's on screen son Balboa Jr in Rocky V... Even in death I don't forgive him for how bad he was in that movie, my only remorse is that I'll never get to tell him how strongly I feel about this.

Rio Ferdinand called Ashley Cole a "Choc Ice" which was interpreted as a racial slur for a black man who pretends to be white. Someone said the word "Fab" to me the other day, I thought they were in enthusiastic agreement with my point but I'm starting to think they meant I'm a white man with sunburnt legs and sprinkles on my head but underneath it all my jokes are shit.

Don't lie, you loved my vegetable joke

A man was flung through a closed sunroof in a car accident on the drive home from a first date at the bingo; I would say this was unlucky, but, he took a girl to BINGO on a first date and made her drive. You make your own luck son. She probably mentioned getting excited about balls and wanting a couple of lines and...well... hit the roof.. when she didn't get the night she bargained for.

Well now you're abreast on current events you can get back to whatever else was distracting you from not doing what you were meant to be doing. I'll meet you back here tomorrow!

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