Wednesday, 18 July 2012

News for Dummies 18/7/12

The FA have warned premier league footballers over their twitter abuse; long gone are the rock and roll, George Best days of drugs and alcohol. No one had ever tweeted so much they've woke up in bed with a hooker or missed training because they used too many hashtags. The warning was sparked after Rio Ferdinand and Emmanuel Frimpog posted racial slurs but chiefs are most upset at the sheer frequency Wayne Rooney gets "Your" and "You're" mixed up.

HSBC bank was "blasted" yesterday for helping Mexican drug cartels and terrorists launder billions of dollars; apart from human trafficking children for the sex industry this is possibly the worst possible crime they could commit.... and they get "Blasted?" What does that even mean?? Did HSBC get shouted at?? Hey HSBC you better not break the Geneva Convention you might get slapped on the wrist or even grounded.

A burglar in Lancashire was stabbed between the eyes by his victim; "Oh look at me I'm burgling a house...... oh no there's a knife in my face" there's no joke here I'm just enjoying the justice in this story. He survived but he's blind in one eye and he's going to jail for 23 months.

Police in Bristol raided the wrong house yesterday while looking for a drug dealer who lived next door....


The man with the largest penis in the world got stopped at customs because they thought he was smuggling in something suspicious; But David Cameron soon explained that huge cock in question was just Nick Clegg and he has a valid passport.

50 tonnes of Ivory was seized in Bangkok airport; Prince Charles did warn his wife not to smile as they passed through customs.

Brits have been labeled the 3rd laziest in Europe; I'd argue that we're first, I've just posted my morning blog at 1pm and virtually did the same customs joke twice at the end.

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