Friday, 18 January 2013

Culture for Dummies: Amsterdam

I've just been to Amsterdam and all I heard before I left was "you can't smoke weed over there, it's illegal now" fuck! It's illegal over here in England but it doesn't stop me, anyway, turns out that myth is a crock of propaganda bollocks and I got off my tits legally shortly before a black whore shouted at me for taking her photo... the city still has all the charm we know and love.

But I'm not here to talk about the obvious, the women of negotiable virtue and the sticky icky icky (oooh weee.) I'm prompted to write this blog because I let some culture into my life and went to visit the gaff that Anne Frank blunted her pencil, and to be frank, she had a cushy little number. I was lead to believe she survived in an attic on her own, but the  attic was just a small part of the mansion she lived in, she tried to get her boyfriend, Peter, up their for a cheeky nosh (that's right she lived with her boyfriend) but her dad, Otto, used to prohibit it (that's right she had her whole family for company.) So all this about being trapped in an attic and it turns out the 14 year old promiscuous little strumpet wanted nothing more than to be in said attic getting herself some 16 year old bratwurst.

As for the house she lived in, it's nicer than mine, she had a kitchen, a bathroom, baby changing facilities, a gift shop... It was the tits. And no wonder the Nazi's didn't find her it was £9/person to get in. Jokes aside though the dwelling was lovely, she did have all the amenities, and company, not to mention boardgames and a radio. It was a massive fishtank and a Scarface poster away from being an episode of MTV cribs. They even had a bookshelf that moved to reveal a door for christ sake... I wasn't expecting to turn up to Anne Franks house and be jealous! 

I'm not saying it's the perfect situation, but given the circumstances that everyone else was in PoW camps and or dead, simply being grounded for 2 years seems like a sweet deal. If David Blain's next stunt was to stay in his house for 2 years with only family and friends for company we'd be all "You're having a laugh David, do it in an igloo in antarctica on your own with no clothes on or we don't give a shit" 

So... in conclusion... poor little rich girl dodges concentration camp life and lives in relative luxury for 2 years. 

Spoiler: It has a happy ending for her dad, he survives the war and gets rich as shit off their story.

Go Otto, you fucking cock block!

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