Friday, 25 January 2013

News for Dummies: 25/01/13

Katie Price aka Jordan aka Sewer Snatch aka The Sperm Bank aka Terror Womb aka Aids Vat aka..... You get the point and know who Katie Price is (you just don't know why she is!) Anyway, she announced her honeymoon was ruined by a butler who asked her if she was a porn-star.... HMMMMM I wonder what give him that idea poppet, maybe the porn you were in???? If men like that butler didn't wank over you, you wouldn't be here. He's paying your wage not the other way around.

More than 50% of babies are born to women over the age of 30, this figure would be less than 10% if it wasn't for Davina McCall

British scientists are working on developing a non melting chocolate so we can enjoy chocolate hobnobs in hot countries, it's funny because last time I was on holiday I was lounging on the beach thinking "I know we haven't cured cancer yet and we don't have an answer for the imminent expiration of fossil fuels, but i'd kill for something to dunk into this iced tea" I'm glad to see we're finally distributing our scientists wisely.

Now Waitrose have jumped on the horse drawn band wagon of announcing they've got bronco in their burgers, remember when we were ready to kill Tesco for it? It's getting like the "I am Sparacus" of food poisoning.

Isolated farmers in Ireland could be allowed to drink drive in a bid to cut boredom. I'm not sure if this law is for the farmers boredom or the queue of traffic stuck behind the tractors, because I'd do way less complaining if the tractor driver was in his pants with a cone on his head singing "Hero" down the phone to his wife. 

A pregnant woman was allowed her dog in the hospital to watch her give birth. (The cunt wasn't even blind) I'm not too shocked by this because I grew up in a generation where it's cool to let Andrex puppies watch you take a shit, I just don't see what it's going to achieve, unless she was just saving money on dog food.

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