Tuesday, 14 January 2014

News for Dummies 14/01/14

72% of Brits believe if they are suffering from a terminal illness they should be able to go the same way as Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street; the other 28% think having a sex change on your death bed is a waste of NHS funding.

It has been revealed that if Scotland gain independence then the rest of the UK will be left with the national debt. It's more like a divorce than a referendum. Will we need to send all of our kids up to Scotland too? Will they get all of the UK's cars?

Most/All of the Scottish people I've spoken to don't want independence from the UK, I think if Alex Salmond wants independence so bad let him have it. Section off a portion of the highlands, revoke his National Insurance number, and just throw him in the woods. Enjoy your independence Alex.

A stalker has been jailed after he followed his victim all the way to Turkey to deliver her a peanut; And let's face it, no-one trusts a lone peanut, even if one of my loved ones offered me a random lone Peanut I'd be dubious. I bet she stood there in Marmaris faced with this weird-o going "Aye right, I bet you found it down the back of the couch, I'm not falling for that!"

Who delivers a peanut....

A 27 year old brunette in Glasgow revealed that she's been living a double life, being an Escort and meeting clients in The Hilton while holding down a day-job as a recruitment worker. Hold on a second here. My girlfriend lives in Glasgow... And is Brunette... And works in Recruitment... FOR THE HILTON... oh wait. She's 28... If I find out the fucking whore has been lying to me about her age there's going to be hell on!

Hi Natalie, Love you, if all this is true invoice my agent.

A 50 year old man went sleep-walking to the shops in his Pyjama's; but what's the excuse of every 20 year old woman in Liverpool.

Mikhail Kalashnikov, the inventor of the AK-47, announced on his deathbed that he felt guilty; don't feel guilty Mikhail, if it wasn't for you working out a way to make hot lead break the sound barrier, millions of people who were trying to defend their country might still be alive, but I wouldn't have had half as much fun on Call of Duty over the years. Thank you Mikhail, sleep well.

A toilet that Adolf Hitler used to use has been found; in one of the only rooms where he didn't discriminate on who he made cough, splutter and choke for breath.

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