Tuesday, 21 January 2014

News for Dummies: 21/01/14

People are encouraged to have sex more as a way to work out; Not that 70 seconds of grunting will get you into shape, just nothing burns calories like running around after a toddler for 5 years.

How to use duck-tape on a split condom

David Cameron is under pressure to explain why 6 terror suspects will soon be free to roam the UK; It’s probably a lot to do with the word “suspect” and a little thing called human rights. You can’t just go around punishing people for being suspicious. I would get thrown out of every supermarket I’ve ever walked in.

However, if we did punish people for being suspicious we would have caught Savile way before he groped his way though a hospice. A justice system based on assumptions might be the way forward, right, lets lock up everyone that sports a moustache outside the month of November.

A barman put Tony Blair under citizen’s arrest for war crimes he committed in Iraq; What a legend. I forgot about citizen’s arrest, I’ve just woke up my flat-mate and arrested him on “suspicion” of being a twat. 

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has sparked uproar by suggesting Men are more valuable to firms than Mothers; now I’m the first one to suggest the gelding of anyone UKIP, I’d even wield the knife to see the halt of their DNA… However, no matter how much of a cheb-end you are, you shouldn’t cause uproar for spitting the truth. Of course pregnant women deserve all the support they get from their employer, but it’s not controversial to suggest the man who doesn’t get pregnant has an advantage on being more productive for the company. Now please don’t get hormonal, I’m just stating the obvious.

A Nana delivered her own grandchild in the back of a car in Lincolnshire; while dropping her daughter off at work

The father of Prince Harry’s girlfriend Cressida Bonas, has been found dead in a suspected suicide; the only thing that leads them to suspect it's a suicide is that his daughter was fucking a ginger bloke.

Four women were gassed to death by a batch of rotting potatoes in a barn; I guess they just had their chips.

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