Tuesday, 7 January 2014

News for Dummies: 07/01/14

SNP politician Nicola Sturgeon has urged non SNP backers to vote Yes for independence... I mean I don't know much (read the title of the blog) but isn't Scotland voting for independence a lot like the moody teenager who leaves their parents house because it will be so much cheaper and easier to live on their own? Then they find out the hard way while the parents miss the board but cherish the freedom.

Are they going to build an army? Or when the world runs out of fossil fuels and nations invade Scotland for their wind will they look to the UK for back up? When I moved out of my parents I still got them to do my laundry.

One of the arguments for independence is that Scotland have oil, brilliant, base a long term decision on a finite resource. It's 2014 why are we still trying to divide land into smaller segments?

But let's not forget that Scotland is awesome!

Angelina Jolie is set to play Nigella Lawson in a movie about her life; this is a perfect match up because Nigella has just divorced Charles Saatchi and Angelina has also just had a tit removed.

Charlie Sheen has married a Porn-Star, you don't marry a Porn-Star, who is going to walk them down the aisle? Ring bearer has a completely different meaning. Catching the bouquet means "you've caught ALL of the diseases." And when the seamstress asks if she wants a train ran, who invoices who?

Scientists have said sex is a form of exercise that can help battle obesity, but it doesn't take a scientist to work out that the obesity is the reason they're not getting laid in the first place.

Apparently Dappy from N-Dubz has a massive cock; this explains why there isn't enough blood in his head to function as a human.

A man got stuck in a washing machine and firemen had to rescue him; Darren (or Daz for short,) 30, was said to be in a spin. he was drained and delicate by the time the rescue team got there but is now in a stable condition, which softened the blow to his relatives, who say he needs to see a shrink.

Save your mates 40p from buying The Sun by sharing this more informed and free news publication, and if you're not done procrastinating at work, here's 24 more reasons why Scotland is awesome: 


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