Monday, 13 January 2014

News for Dummies 13/01/14

A woman has been scammed of £200k over 56 years after routinely responding to spam letters with up to £100 a time with the hope of securing a car or cash prize that she’d been promised to have won; GOOD! Stupid people shouldn’t have money, I am more disillusioned by the fact this stupid cunt managed to procure the £200’000 pound that she wasted.  And judging by her photo she didn’t compromise her food budget. How do we live in a world were stupid people can be rich? He says while watching match of the day.

Nick Clegg is comparing the plans to only offer benefits for the first 2 children, to a communist rule. Is it communism if you don’t hand people free money for being irresponsible?  Your logic is lost on me Cleggles! If you can’t afford to dress or feed your own offspring please don’t have children until you can. Benefits should be reserved to support families who could afford to provide for their children’s needs when they made the decision but have had their circumstances changed (Job loss, divorce, death) not for unemployed fuckwits to pump out frogspawn to pay for their scratch-cards.

A man has been driving around Philadelphia with no trousers on, masturbating with slices of cheese… does this even need a punch line? Something about him being crackers? A pun about Wheels of cheese? A “Philadelphia man spreads his legs” style headline? Are these jokes grating on you yet?

Fuck it you’re already doubting the legitimacy of this story so here’s a photo of the mature gentleman churning himself…

"say cheese..."

Sylvester Stallone is angry that people only see him as a meat head; however this common observation may in fact be based on the high meat consistency of his head.

The French Prime minister’s wife has been admitted to hospital with depression; WHAT? She’s French and married to a politician, what has she possibly got to be depressed about!

The guy sat next to me on the train will be admitted to hospital with 3rd degree Geordie fury If he doesn’t turn the keypad beeps off on his phone while he’s texting. Seriously dude, if you’re reading this over my shoulder the next few beeps better be you going into your settings and shutting that shit down otherwise you’re going to be front page of tomorrows newspapers and I’ll be writing a news for dummies quip about it from prison!

Kids TV show Teletubies is to be shown in North-Korea; The BBC say it is a good way to develop the understanding of the outside world in a closed society. As if the North-Korean people aren’t brainwashed enough without being led to believe Tinky Rinky, Ra Ra  and the rest of the terrytubbies are a representation of the western civilization..

Dr’s have said laughter can be perilous; inducing heart attacks, asthma attacks and dislocated jaws. So if you didn’t enjoy this blog, you’re welcome. To the rest of you wheezy, slack jaw motherfuckers; use the arm that doesn’t have pins and needles to put in a MRS Browns Boys DVD before the fire in your chest gets any hotter. Hopefully that will put you back to full health.

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