Police have DNA
tested a murder victims pet dog; and results have proven that it is in fact
Jeremy Kyle’s real dad
Susan Boyle lived her
dream and played the bag-pipes yesterday; we think she played the bag-pipes, she
might have just been armpit-farting
 |
| Boyle in the bag, piping hot. |
Scientists are hoping
to discover why people binge on certain foods and not others; listen close,
science… it’s because Ben and Jerry’s Cookie dough is tastier than sprouts.
It’s that simple. Now get to work on jet-packs and stop wasting my short time
on this planet. We need jet-packs.
A professor broke the
world record for the longest echo, lasting 112 seconds; but his record set
by using a controlled explosion in a long tunnel was soon thwarted by Susan
Boyle armpit-farting in an open space.
There is an international
police chase for a teenage couple who bunked school to fly to Jamaica together
because they were sick of the rain; Why are the police being such
cock-blocking cunts? Just because a schoolboy has achieved the escapism we save
up all year to hopefully achieve. I hope he pleads guilty to having the balls
to do what he wants to do in a world that tries so incredibly hard to dictate
your actions. We should all follow in this boys footsteps and take a teenage
girl to the Caribbean.
Police are
questioning a murder suspect who starred in the TV show Midsummer Murders; the
accused has discovered that murdering in late winter is a different kettle of
fish.
Do people even say “kettle of fish?” is that Geordie saying?
Did I just make it up? The more I read it the less it makes sense… answers on a
Post card to
PO Box 8008135
DVLA
Swansea
Thieves tried to
steal the cunt… I mean steal the sex…. I mean jizz….
Start again: Thieves
tried to steal the urn that contained the ashes of Sigmund Freud; they
severely damaged the urn when they dropped it… ha, they dropped it… now that’s
what I call a Sigmundean slip…ey?…. I FORGOT HOW TO PUN!
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