Thursday, 16 January 2014

News for Dummies: 16/01/14

Police have DNA tested a murder victims pet dog; and results have proven that it is in fact Jeremy Kyle’s real dad

Susan Boyle lived her dream and played the bag-pipes yesterday; we think she played the bag-pipes, she might have just been armpit-farting

Boyle in the bag, piping hot.

Scientists are hoping to discover why people binge on certain foods and not others; listen close, science… it’s because Ben and Jerry’s Cookie dough is tastier than sprouts. It’s that simple. Now get to work on jet-packs and stop wasting my short time on this planet. We need jet-packs.

A professor broke the world record for the longest echo, lasting 112 seconds; but his record set by using a controlled explosion in a long tunnel was soon thwarted by Susan Boyle armpit-farting in an open space.

There is an international police chase for a teenage couple who bunked school to fly to Jamaica together because they were sick of the rain; Why are the police being such cock-blocking cunts? Just because a schoolboy has achieved the escapism we save up all year to hopefully achieve. I hope he pleads guilty to having the balls to do what he wants to do in a world that tries so incredibly hard to dictate your actions. We should all follow in this boys footsteps and take a teenage girl to the Caribbean.

Police are questioning a murder suspect who starred in the TV show Midsummer Murders; the accused has discovered that murdering in late winter is a different kettle of fish.

Do people even say “kettle of fish?” is that Geordie saying? Did I just make it up? The more I read it the less it makes sense… answers on a Post card to

PO Box 8008135

Thieves tried to steal the cunt… I mean steal the sex…. I mean jizz….
Start again: Thieves tried to steal the urn that contained the ashes of Sigmund Freud; they severely damaged the urn when they dropped it… ha, they dropped it… now that’s what I call a Sigmundean slip…ey?…. I FORGOT HOW TO PUN!

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