Thursday, 9 January 2014

News for Dummies: 09/01/13

Every day this week the front page of the Scottish Papers (I live in Scotland) has been about dead children, which I won't make jokes about...

Although the page 3 girl is STILL always there, almost as if we've forgotten what we've just seen on the front page, are we that fickle? That our internal monologue is going "This is the saddest thing I've ever read, I'm having to distance myself from the tragedy because if I allow in too much compassion I'll cry in public *turns page* oooohhh booobies!!"

Courtney, 22, from Plymouth just stood there going "is this a good time? Should I put these away for now while we digest the loss of an infant?"

Energy firms are setting up a "999" style number in case you have a power cut; that's what it's come to. Reporting a fire, murder or heart attack has now been joined by "shit, I can't charge my phone"

Ex Gladiator "Tornado" has moved into Kelly Brook's house. Who now? Nobody knows which gladiator I'm talking about because he wasn't from the original series, now if Wolf (the Charles Manson of daytime television) moved into her house, that would be a story. I just can't wait for the pun-fest in the papers when they split up and "Tornado takes her house"

Thomas Hitzelperger is the first top flight football player to come out as gay; I personally think it's disgusting, that he considered Aston-Villa to be top flight.

Ex-top flight footballer and current Manchester United footballer Chris Smalling has been blasted for going to a fancy dress party as a suicide bomber; The farther of one of the 7/7 bombing victims said it's the most offensive thing he's ever seen. Why? Because it applies to him? If he lost a relative to a clown would he be offended by some-one else at the party?

I wish people would stop getting offended by things that are specific to them as if it's a personal assault, the world doesn't revolve around your situation. Laughing at jokes about epilepsy because no-one you know has the condition, then crying about a diabetes joke because your overweight dad lost a toe.

Just don't get offended, it's not always about you.

Way less offensive when it's a cat right?

Statistics reveal that out of last years intake of new teachers 56 of those have a criminal record; This is probably because smoking marijuana is still a crime (even though it's 2014... WTF) Show me one school teacher who doesn't smoke weed and I'll show you a school teacher that won't make it as far as the Easter holidays. Why do you think they confiscate it if they catch kids smoking.

An old dear called Jessie who has reached the ripe old age of 108 says the secret to her long life is eating salty porridge every day; paha... if that's what you want to call it Jessie, you call it that..... ay ladies!?

I might not be able to do a News for Dummies tomorrow morning as I'll be on BBC Radio Scotland, discussing the news of all things. Wish me luck in making that family friendly. 



  1. Brilliant Kai mate, you do this every day?

    1. Monday to Friday, unless my circumstances dictate otherwise. Thanks for reading.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.