Wednesday, 22 January 2014

News for Dummies: 22/01/14

The wife of billionaire Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich has been called racist after posing for a photo-shoot sitting on a chair shaped like a naked black woman;  At first I agreed with the media propaganda but I’ve discovered the chair is based on a 60’s original of a white woman, that has existed for 54 years without anyone claiming it was racist…. White is a race right? Is white a race?? Wouldn’t it be racist if we didn’t offer the chair in all colours without discrimination? If anything it’s sexist that there isn’t a male one, but since her husband is a Chairman I’ll let her off.

The cousin of pop-star Adele has emerged on TV karaoke show “The Voice” she said she has Adele’s genes, unless she said she has Adele’s jeans, in which case she should go on Britain’s Got Talent and catch cream pies in her waist band instead of singing.

Microsoft boss Bill Gates reckons there will be no poor countries by 2035; which must be worrying for him because the minute people have money they waste it on apple products.

Campaigners are campaigning (it’s what they do) to ban a Doll that refuses to eat, as it sends children the wrong message and promotes anorexia; When I was a boy I had He-Man dolls, we called them “figurines” because it was gay for boys to have dolls (and we disapproved of that in the 80’s apparently) however these “dolls” were homo-erotic, muscle-bound men wearing nothing but underpants, these dolls had a lever on their back so you could punch other muscular handsome dolls in the face (It was a very confusing message we were receiving)  And I didn’t grow up messed up! Right!?

If your child grows up anorexic because of a doll, congratulations you're a terrible parent. You failed to teach them the difference between the real world and the plastic one.

Students at Newcastle University will get lessons in the Geordie dialect before they start their study; but ah divvent knaa if the need te dee this cos wor accent is nee bother te get ya heed rund. Reet?

Click here for a Geordie translator and have fun for hours (minutes)

£6000 worth of Viagra has been stolen from an MoD site; Police are currently searching for hardened criminals

A 17 year old lad has been arrested for shooting primary school children with a BB gun… I really, really, really, like REALY…. Shouldn’t find this funny. I’m off to have a word with myself.

No Bill... it's not all about you.

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