Wednesday, 8 January 2014

News for Dummies: 08/01/14

Boris Johnson last night called Nick Clegg a "Condom" who shields the PM when he makes unpopular decisions. The man's surname is "Johnson" a popular synonym for penis... does he subliminally want to be inside of Nick Clegg?

Maybe Boris misheard when he was told Nick Clegg helped David Cameron with his election.

 But he is kinda right, because condoms do notoriously spoil parties.

Clegg and Cameron don't always get along

Policeman Gavin Angus has been accused of groping 2 female officers at his force HQ; he's been arrested for perverting the court of justice.

A BBC worker has been jailed for 2 years for stealing tens of thousands from the Dr. Who budget (which explains a lot); I wonder if his jail cell looks bigger from the inside, his asshole soon will, because you know what happens to Dr. Who embezzlers in prison... actually nothing, nobody cares. They only get raped on forums.

Alex Salmond offered free meals to to children in their first 3 years of primary school; just what a country with a childhood obesity problem needs, free food.

on that note...

A Welsh scientist has announced that spoon feeding baby food to babies will make them overweight and picky eaters (Oxymoron-much?) in later life... I don't know what alternative she is suggesting, the way they do it in the Valley's? Catapult feeding them horse-shit!

The first Romanian to enter Britain under new EU laws has been arrested for beating up his girlfriend; it's good to see he's climatised  to our customs in just 1 week.

A robber in Edinburgh held up a Greggs bakery wielding an axe... non fiction... this is the world we live in... A man got out of bed in the morning, scratched his nuts, started making a bowl of honey nut loops then realised he had no milk and left the bowl of dry cereal on the bench. Sat down to the TV, got board of channel hopping, PICKED UP A MEDIEEEEVAL WEAPON, and threatened to split Janet's head in two like a fucking water mellon if she didn't give him a spicey meatball lattice and a peach melba. Guys, Quentin Tarantino didn't write this.... it happened down the road from my house, yesterday!

And thats the news, as you were.... NO WAIT, before you go back to work and/or wanking, hit share, it's just one click and I'm fucking needy.

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