Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Embarrassment for Dummies 23/11

As I don't have a newspaper and I'm currently on a farm in Bristol so I'm not in a position to give you your usual dose of the news, HOWEVER, I found this blog I wrote in 2008 about one of the worst weeks of my life:

Written 3rd April 2008 (7 months before I started stand up comedy and just 4 months after I started dating Kylie)

I'm an optimist but I'm still gonna have to give the week I've had a 9/10 for being the shittest week ever, only failing 10 marginally as I didn't lose an immediate family member or get hit by a comet!! even My sense of humour struggled to get me through this one, Read On...

. . It all started when I nipped to the Dr's to check out my knee when I spotted a poster in the waiting room about if your arse is bleeding don't be afraid to mention it. So because I suffer piles, and get the odd spot of blood on the andrex (like you do) I thought I better speak up, so i mentioned my embarrassing trouble and he asked if I'd mind getting a camera up. . .

. . . . .at Wansbeck Hospital

. . . . where my girlfriends mam works.

. . . .putting camera's up!!!!

So you cant write this shit in a sitcom but luckily after coming to terms that my girlfriends mam was gonna get to know me "inside out" I dodged the bullet when the letter arrived asking me to go to Blyth hospital for an examination rather than a camcorder!

So I'm lying there with my ass in the air like a slut chatting away to the nurse, a nice, frail, knocking on retirement, oldish lady who is making me feel quite comfortable considering what she was about to do to me. When all of a sudden this Burley bloke comes in, a big, white, sausage fingered, Frank Bruno!! he just strolled right in there and took my innocence! I could have wept. . . the embarrassing thing is after his jabbing around up to his armpit in my Sunday lunch he told me there was fuck all wrong with me. . . not even piles!!, I just "Wipe my arse a little bet too hard!", Fuck, I woulda took ass cancer. . .or Aids of the rectum. . or anything, just just to justify what happened to me in there.

So I limped home to get on with my life, the day passed and I was a shadow of my former self, staring motionless out my bedroom window, I barely even blinked! A sleepless night followed waking up in cold sweats in the wake of my trauma. Then the next day came I laughed the whole thing off as it could only happen to me, cracked jokes about it with my friends in fact, then the evening came and fuck knows what I ate that day but God had it in for My ASS!


The shit was flying out of me like I was a SUPERSOAKER3000 full of vegetable oil. .. took the enamel of the porcelain on my toilet bowl I think!! phew after 3 hours I opened the window and stood wafting the door for a while! I climbed into bed and nodded off. . . . .BIG MISTAKE!!

. . . So when I say shit the bed right, I don't mean like a wet fart, I'm talking a big patch of Rusty oil right where I'm lying. . . as I come around and started click on what has happened to me, It sinks in the first thing I have to do!!!

Wake Kylie up!!!!!!

What? I didn't mention I was sharing the bed at the time???? Because that would be the most embarrassing thing that could ever fucking happen wouldn't it???? to soil the FreeKin' bed with the girlfriend in it????


Final Thought

My worry is, Bad things come in 3's right? What ever could be next am I going to get raped or something??!! I don't want to know. But, There's only 1 ASS in EmbarrASSment and it's mine.

Me aged 24 - I've grown up now!

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