Tuesday, 15 November 2011

News for Dummies 15/11

“I’m a celebrity get me out of here” is back, Freddy Star has been rushed into hospital after eating a camels toe, it must have been Fatima Whitbread’s.
Fatima didn’t intend on being part of the show, she thought she applied for “I’m in a man’s body get me out of here!”

Home secretary Theresa May is being blasted for the state of our boarders; yeah Theresa we miss that book shop, next we’ll be hearing you were behind the downfall of MFI and Woolworths

Paris Hilton bought a £50 steak for a stray dog while on holiday in Bali; in other words, she ordered herself a meal.

In the House of Lords this week Lord King mentioned 89 year old Baroness Trumpington’s age and she responded by sticking her two fingers up; I know It was insensitive of him to mention a ladies age in public but there is no need for her to start masturbating.

Pete Doherty has fled from London because he said the ghost of Amy Winehouse is haunting his flat; I hope before he fled he hid his drug stash, maybe she isn’t haunting his flat, maybe he looked in the mirror, saw an ugly smack head who’s career had a short shelf life and denial kicked in!

Wayne Rooney has employed a team of Architects to design him a shed for his back garden; this is a pretty extreme measure to create storage for a quality street tub full of rusty bolts and washers, an old hose pipe and his stash of over 50’s porn mags.

9-5 jobs will soon be a thing of the past with demands on more flexible working hours; rendering Dolly Parton obsolete.

In other news, here is a brief argument I had with my Girlfriend yesterday:

Deans flowers, Blyth. £20 (argument resolved)

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