Thursday, 3 November 2011

News for Dummies 3/11

Tottenham Hotspurs manager Harry Redknapp last night recovered from heart surgery; this is the biggest operation he has been through since he had a scrotum transplant onto his face.

Statistics show more than 14 people die at their place of work every month; I must say from my own tragic experience it is a terrible ordeal watching one of your colleagues die in front of you, I mean, you never know what to say to them when they get off stage.

A Justin Bieber fan claims she has had his baby after a back stage romp they had 9 months ago; brilliant they can go to the same crèche. The young poet famously wrote these inspired lyrics:
I’m sorry Beebz but that is for Jeremy Kyle to decide!!  

The chief Executive of Lloyds bank who is worth over £13m has gone on the sick with stress; he has claimed it is down to physical exhaustion, hmmmm, he must do a star jump every time someone calls him a cunt!

David Cameron took time out of his busy schedule to take a course in wine-tasting; and I thought it was Nick Clegg who could taste sour grapes.

A 48 year old man has been arrested over the murder of his 87 year old girlfriend; suspicions arose when he grabbed a pillow after she asked him how he felt about the “youth in Asia”

A jealous controlling husband has been accused of secretly feeding his wife steroids to fatten her up; Is his wife Jodie Marsh and does she do a star jump every time some-one calls her a cunt??
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