Thursday, 12 January 2012

News for Dummies 12/1/12

A suspected al-Queda chief Mohamed Ali al-Faldi has been banned from flying to Britain; the fact this is news worries me, did we used to just let suspected al-Queda leaders jet in willy nilly up until this breakthrough in national security? Does it take our overwhelming ego in hosting the olympic games to clamp down on the importing of known terrorists?

John Terry has remortgaged his house for a fourth time loaning £4.6m for the £2.2m property; he must need to buy flowers for every house-wife he has to keep quiet.

Jay-Z and Beyonce want to make the first music video from space on one of Virgin's galactic crafts; I wouldn't usually object to seeing Beyonce's boobs in anti-gravity but I can't help but think there'll be milk everywhere! I don't think they'd be the first musicians in space either, didn't NASA use Monkees in the space programmes of the 50's and 60's?


The Japanese Tsunami death toll from 2011 stands at 15,844 with 3,450 still missing; they should probably round the death toll up to 19,294 because no-one can tread water for 10 months, unless Japan are holding out hope for one of these people to swim to shore in time for the Olympics.

Someone called 999 this christmas to report a fight in Eastenders; let's hope they don't watch Ong Bak

A 27 year old woman has announced she has 2 fully functioning vagina's; this my friends is Evolution, I have so many questions, are her periods on separate rotations? Can they both reach climax at the same time? Would this be a double strength orgasm? Will she Marry me?

Honestly, I'd be like a dog with two cocks.... which would be handy!

The creator of the Tofee Crisp has died aged 83; It could have been the creators of the Drifter or the Topic, those counts have contributed nothing to my life!

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