Wednesday, 4 January 2012

News for Dummies 4/1/12

Snake endorsing cigarettes 

John Terry is furious after an Indian cigarette firm used a picture of him on the front of the pack without permission; Permission??? Do you worry about the husbands permission when other peoples wives reach in your packet, pull out your skinny little cancer stick and take a suck on it John?? He's probably just furious because it's an Indian company and he's a massive racist!

Snake endorsing cigarettes

Oil prices are expected to soar in 2012 reaching record high prices for motorists; but stay calm our government will find a poor country in the middle east with plenty of oil, accuse them of owning weapons of mass destruction and bomb a few civilians, driving the prices down 3p per litre. But we'll be happy because it means when we fill our tank we can afford a twix.

Rumours spread that Rhianna could be back with her ex lover Chris Brown, despite the fact last time they were together he kicked shit out of her;  some people never learn, she probably got him a crate of stella for Xmas too. I bet my bottom dollar the McCann's wouldn't go back on holiday to Portugal with their replacement children.

A mother is being criticised after buying her 7 year old daughter thousands of pounds worth of Lipo Suction, boob job and other cosmetic surgery vouchers for Xmas claiming she's "Investing in her future!"..... DIIIIBBBBSSS!!!!

Experts predict this month dating websites will sign up more customers than ever before; Of course they will, it's the official transfer window, the perfect time to dump your girlfriend/boyfriend is between Xmas and Valentines day, coupled with the fact you don't have a holiday booked yet... it's the only chance you have to escape with minimal collateral damage.

A Crocodile has been stolen from a pet shop in Manchester; Police have been ordered to find the croc and make it snappy!! One lady thought she had spotted the cold blooded reptile but it was just Ryan Giggs.

Two carjackers caught in Saudi Arabia are being brutally punished by having there right hand and left foot amputated so they cannot do it again; when questioned on why they stole the cars the thief's claimed buying a car costs and arm and a leg!


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