Shitty New Year hoe bags. Since nobody ever keeps their new years resolutions I'm staying on the safe side in 2012 by vowing to do more drugs, stay out of the gym and cheat more.....
I also vow to never speak ill of dead celebrities, poke fun at the unfortunate, or suggest John Leslie is a rapist. Now let's see what's in the news:
Girls Aloud blart Sarah Harding was heard having a blazing row in a hotel room with her boyfriend last night and the police were eventually called. Guests said they heard "Banging, Screaming and she emerged from the room with a swollen wrist and a bust lip.... With the nature of her injuries I don't think they were arguing, she was just doing as she was told.
David and Ed Milliband claim there is still tension between them but they keep it together for their mother; she didn't go into labour just to be disappointed, unlike her eldest.
The law against assisted suicide to help terminally ill loved ones die could be lifted; now we wait for Jordan to get ill.... and for someone to actually love her.
Wayne Rooney and Alex Ferguson have fell out after the striker turned up drunk to a training session; Rooney is expected to be back in the squad after emerging from Ferguson's office with a sprained wrist and a bust lip.
Lois Walsh has admitted losing £8m in the property market, but it's o.k. he's been making plenty of "deposits" in his latest investment.... Jedward.
A quarter of all brits are obese; because of Scotland
Coronation Street star Michael Le Vell who plays Kevin Webster has been cleared of his rape charge; Bastard, that's him and John Leslie I can't do jokes about without a snappy email off my agent... Thank Heavens for Titus Bramble.
A girl who used to get bullied for her appearance at school has grown up to be crowned the countries best pole dancer; SHE SHOWED THEM!!! I wonder if she can really rub it in the faces of her aggressors and become a full blown whore in the face of adversity!?