Monday, 9 January 2012

News for Dummies 9/1/12

Celebrity vegetable peeler Antony Warrol Thompson was arrested for shoplifting Wine and Cheese from Tesco; I think the Ready Steady Crook star read between the lines of Tesco's slogan EVERY (ugly) LITTLE (prick) HELPS (himself)


Beyonce has had her baby; making her daughter the second 8lb, black, body of flesh to pass through her fanny in 9 months.

Not gonna lie I'd lick that baby clean to get one taste of Destinies child.

I should really stop calling Jay-Z's cock "That Baby"

Blue Ivy Carter in 2030


David Cameron has apologised for suggesting Ed Balls was "like having someone with Tourrette's sat next to you" One Tourrette's sufferer was so upset by the slur he called Mr. Cameron a piss-flap cunt whore son of an aids monkey.

Michael Le Vell (Corrie's Kevin Webster) tells how he considered throwing himself under a bus after allegations of sexually abusing an underage girl; which is handy because there are plenty of busses outside the school.

91 year old Eric Carter, a WW2 Spitfire pilot was told he wasn't allowed to sit in a museum Spitfire for health and safety reasons; Unless the pompous jobs worth health and safety geek making these decisions could make his requests in German, the language he would be speaking if it wasn't for hero's like Eric, then he should shove his risk assessments up his condescending arse the disrespectful cunt

But I guess he's only doing his job, too many people are drones

drone |dr┼Źnnoun.
A remote-controled pilotless vehicle

Prince Phillip has ha a heart operation; does that mean he;s finally got one?

Today is the day when over 75% of brits beak there new years resolutions; unfortunately meaning lots of Scottish women will be getting black eyes today.  




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