Thursday, 5 January 2012

News for Dummies 5/1/12

Sarah Harding is in the paper showing of the bruises on her wrist from the hotel bust up with her boyfriend; Why oh why couldn’t he have punched her in the tits.

See this is my beef, Sarah is trying to get sympathy and paint him as a monster with her bruised wrist while he’s sat there with a black eye and bite marks. The man clearly just held her back from attacking him, denying himself the instinctual compulsion to fight back and beat shit out of her because of his respect for social double standard that men can’t hit women. This rule works both ways and any woman that breaks it is every bit a cunt as a wife beater!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back with his wife; well she was seen coming out of an summers with The Terminator.

Police are looking for the owner of 77 bottles of wine found in a wheelie bin; I’ve drawn up a plan of action to help the police with this case:

1)   Check the street name where the bin was found.
2)   Check the number on the bin.

Man I’m good!

More than half of all working Brits are skint: WHATTT!!?? Next they’ll be printing in the paper that more than half of all water is wet!

A man in Nottingham has been banned from owning dogs after he returned from work and found his Labrador drunk because he left a glass of Vodka out; I doubt it was the neglect that caused the ban to be put in place, I’m just saying the last time I returned home from work to a drunk blonde I got lucky!

Fire engines were sent to rescue a seagull that was trapped up a tree; this is the third time this week their volleyball has been interrupted for something trivial. On Monday they had to rescue a fish from a pond and just yesterday they had get John Terry out of their wives.

A police officer was charged using the police data-base to get the addresses of vulnerable women, gaining their trust and sleeping with them; it was an interesting strategy to find the owner of the wheelie bin full of booze but I still think my plan would be more effective.

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