Hello and welcome to Kai's blog with me, Daniel Sloss.
"Hey Daniel - why do you always end up doing Kai's blog?" I hear you say.
That is an interesting question, readers. Well, it's because I am such a good friend and I am so committed to my job as a stand up that I don't go on holiday every single fuckin' week of the year.
"But Daniel - we prefer when Kai does the blog. You always just make it angry with really over the top confusing insults!"
Yes!!! Well fuck you in the fanny hole you fuck bucket. That is because I fuckin rule and that Geordie cum-bag isn't here to stop me.
TO THE NEWS!
Charlie Sheen is expecting to be paid £80 million for being fired from Two and a half men. That is the biggest sack ever ... as is his severence package.
"IT'S A BALLSACK PUN ON A WEDNESDSAY ??? Oh Daniel, you spoil us!"
Too twatting right, I do.
Victoria Beckham has revealed that she lost all her baby weight by walking 7 miles every day. Unfortunately she still hasn't fucked off. Apparently it was on a treadmill. Normally you could make a horse do that by dangling a carrot on the end of a stick. But Victoria doesn't eat so I am sure David did it with a huge bag of anti-depressants and air.
Ulrika Johnson was in the paper today looking so ugly that my penis actually hung itself. Mind you - it has always been well hung. BOOM! Seriously though, that baby-vending machine of a woman has a neck like Sven's testicles - ugly to look at and resting on her breasts.
Secret documents have revealed that America planned to go to war with Britain in the 1930s but it was cancelled when none of the Americans could actually point out where it was on a map.
There was a headline that said "Miliband caves into unions." And I thought it said "unicorns". I lolled. I don't know if you did but I totes did. Lolled everywhere.
Four squirrels are resting in an RSPCA unit after being blown from their tree in a hurricane.
"Daniel - there is no punchiline there - how are we supposed to laugh?"
... Picture it ... Picture it actually happening. Hahaha! Stupid squirrels.
Scotland and Celtic football star, Scott Brown, is horrified after he was tricked into being photogaphed with members from far right group, the Scottish Defence League. Yeah, because Celtic is such a racism-free tolerance high-ground.
Bosses at a Denmark-based sperm-bank are begging people to consider having ginger babies as they are over capacity with 70 litres of sperm. Or, as Jordan calls it, - lunch. This proves two things:
1 - nobody wants a Ginger child.
2 - Gingers are wankers.
Well that's the news for today. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it - not a fuckin' SMIDGEN. JK! JK! JK JK Rowling. I totes love doing it. Nowhere else in the world am I allowed to be so angry and volatile. Fuck the vegetarians! Have a good day.
"Hey Daniel - why do you always end up doing Kai's blog?" I hear you say.
That is an interesting question, readers. Well, it's because I am such a good friend and I am so committed to my job as a stand up that I don't go on holiday every single fuckin' week of the year.
"But Daniel - we prefer when Kai does the blog. You always just make it angry with really over the top confusing insults!"
Yes!!! Well fuck you in the fanny hole you fuck bucket. That is because I fuckin rule and that Geordie cum-bag isn't here to stop me.
TO THE NEWS!
Charlie Sheen is expecting to be paid £80 million for being fired from Two and a half men. That is the biggest sack ever ... as is his severence package.
"IT'S A BALLSACK PUN ON A WEDNESDSAY ??? Oh Daniel, you spoil us!"
Too twatting right, I do.
Victoria Beckham has revealed that she lost all her baby weight by walking 7 miles every day. Unfortunately she still hasn't fucked off. Apparently it was on a treadmill. Normally you could make a horse do that by dangling a carrot on the end of a stick. But Victoria doesn't eat so I am sure David did it with a huge bag of anti-depressants and air.
Ulrika Johnson was in the paper today looking so ugly that my penis actually hung itself. Mind you - it has always been well hung. BOOM! Seriously though, that baby-vending machine of a woman has a neck like Sven's testicles - ugly to look at and resting on her breasts.
Secret documents have revealed that America planned to go to war with Britain in the 1930s but it was cancelled when none of the Americans could actually point out where it was on a map.
There was a headline that said "Miliband caves into unions." And I thought it said "unicorns". I lolled. I don't know if you did but I totes did. Lolled everywhere.
Four squirrels are resting in an RSPCA unit after being blown from their tree in a hurricane.
"Daniel - there is no punchiline there - how are we supposed to laugh?"
... Picture it ... Picture it actually happening. Hahaha! Stupid squirrels.
Scotland and Celtic football star, Scott Brown, is horrified after he was tricked into being photogaphed with members from far right group, the Scottish Defence League. Yeah, because Celtic is such a racism-free tolerance high-ground.
Bosses at a Denmark-based sperm-bank are begging people to consider having ginger babies as they are over capacity with 70 litres of sperm. Or, as Jordan calls it, - lunch. This proves two things:
1 - nobody wants a Ginger child.
2 - Gingers are wankers.
Well that's the news for today. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it - not a fuckin' SMIDGEN. JK! JK! JK JK Rowling. I totes love doing it. Nowhere else in the world am I allowed to be so angry and volatile. Fuck the vegetarians! Have a good day.
i only read this when you write it, Daniel. it defs cheers me up. AND as a student journalist, it inspires me. so danke muchos.
ReplyDeleteHaha love it!! It was an excuse to stop revising for a higher admin nab and was well worth it :)! Daniel you never fail to make me laugh :)! xx
ReplyDelete