Friday, 2 September 2011

News for Dummies 2/9 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Are ya alreet! Ahh ya know when Cheryl Cole an aww dat has blah blah blah Ant n Dec blah blah Raoul Moat blah blah blah don’t I have a stupid accent.

Yes, that’s right, it’s me Daniel Sloss taking over for Kais daily blog because he’s off somewhere or something I wasn’t really paying attention, he sounds ridiculous. Anyway, on with the news the way I do it, incredibly bitter with poorly researched statements and made up facts. It’s just like the News of the World except I’m not a racist.

What’s that? Oh no! I couldn’t possibly tell you the story of Kai making a girl cry in a top Edinburgh nightclub! Why would you ask me to tell you that? I swore to secrecy, shame on you.

Jordans in the news this week because much like her vagina unless her ego is filled every other day it will whither up and die, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. She’s still complaining about the whole Frankie Boyle joke thing further proving that she can take untold quantities of cock but not a joke. People have been taking sides in the argument “Team Frankie” or “Team Jordan”. I think you’ll find Jordan has been teamed many a time, in fact I’m pretty sure I have “Team Jordan” on DVD.

A teenage cunt has been sent to jail for killing a girl on a dare. Not an actual dare, it wasn’t the worlds nediest/chaviest game of truth or dare. “Ehhh…. Truth?”
“Who’s my real dad?”
“Ehhh… fuck.”

What was that? No, honestly I can’t tell you how he made that girl cry! Stop asking.

There has been a call to staff British schools with Army Soldiers in order to bring in discipline. I genuinely think this is an amazing idea. The amount of little gobby, spotty-faced, track suited wearing cunts that go around schools being a prick and then going off in later life to achieve fuck all and then leave to go on some shitty holiday while making me write their blog is abysmal. I’d love the soldiers to go in and just pistol whip the shit out of “Wee Deevo” and his mates coz they thought it’d be funny to ask about the sergeants “Privates”. One primary school teacher has said “It’s a good idea, but I’m not sure if they have the right training to be educators.” She does have a point, let’s give them longer holidays and let them mark some colouring in to practice.

Neil Lennon (Celtic Manager) was attacked by a Hearts fan (cunt) last season and the fan got away with the assault. The Verdict has left Neil Lennon confused. It means decision Neil. It’s just a big boys word for decision. Or choice if ‘decision” has confused you too.

Seriously guys, stop asking about Kai and that nightclub where he made that poor innocent girl cry. I’m definitely not going to tell you. Oh, and don’t even bother sending him loads of texts, tweets or face book messages asking him. That’d be wrong.

A Stargate Enterprise fan lost 3 stone in order to fit into her idols costume making her the first woman ever to have lost weight and get less attractive.

Footage of a 4 year old Chinese girl driving a car on a motorway has caused an uproar after it was posted on Youtube. Why?! Have you seen Chinese kids recently? They’re fucking amazing. Those kids can play pianos behind their backs above their heads while upside down and inside out by the time they’re four. Driving a car is not problem for them, the only thing you have to worry about is if she turns it into a Transformer.

Dominoes is planning opening a shop on the moon… Seriously. I’m pretty sure this newspaper is just fucking with me now. This can not be true. But it’s there. In the news, apparently it’ll coz 13.5 billion pounds. What fucking moron decided this? I bet some twat at head office was just like “Man… Cheese is costing us a lot this year… Can’t get rid of it otherwise it’s not a pizza… Where can we get unlimited cheese from?” And then turned Wallace and Gromit on.


Seriously though, there you go, that’s my bitter take on the news. And if Kai makes me do it again on Monday I’ll totes defo tell you the story.


  1. Cheers Daniel - I feel very well informed now, and I read it in my head in your accent just to get the full sense of your anger!

  2. I want to hear the story about the crying bird.