Tuesday, 13 September 2011

News for Dummies 13/9

David Cameron keeps poking Russia with a stick over various matters that are over my head; but I wish he wouldn't!!

Russia = Massive

Outrage on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 as Liverpool striker Nathan Eccleston suggested the disaster was an accident; Imagine he was right "ooh shit did you see that Aeroplane accidentally hit the word trade centre just now? I hope nothing like that happens ever again!!.....<short pause>.... What. Are. The. Chances!!!!" Maybe he accidentally forgot his club was owned by Americans!

Bradley Cooper was spotted on a date with J-Lo; I had no idea the hang-over star was gay? Latino singer J-Lo has been used as a celebrity "Beard" for years, worn as a masculine disguise by some high profile closet homosexuals over the last decade including Ben Affleck, Chris Judd and of course "Puff" Daddy. Deny that last one!

Jesse Wallace told friends "I just want my Life back" after splitting up with her fiance on their wedding day; When they split up her ex must have took her David Attinborough box set. It's always awkward getting your belongs back after a break-up.

A man who zapped his wife with a stun gun was cleared of all "charges" yesterday when the court ruled it was self defence: I've gotta get me one of those!!! I'd spend the rest of my life provoking her!

A man watched his own brain surgery on a TV screen while he was under the knife; It was either that or Two and a Half Men and he simply couldn't bear to watch another episode!!

Milk had been spiked with bleach at stepping hill hospital; the patients were devastated, watching their coco-pops make the milk go chocolaty had previously been the highlight of their day!

The UK gets hit by the tail end of Hurricane Katia; This is a bad, bad day for the comb-over...

"I'm a little worried"

"This day was bound to happen some time!"
"maaaaa nigggaaa"


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